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The Return Of The Fabulous Metal Bozo Clowns

"The Return Of The Fabulous Metal Bozo Clowns" (1992)

1. The Return Of The Fabulous Metal Bozo Clown
2. Jaggered Wedge
3. Bad Toad
4. Feetcleaner
5. Drunk In Charge Of An Ugly Face
6. Paranoid Polaroid
7. Frash For Cash
8. Crazy Horses
9. Enter Mr. Formica (Icky Ficky Pt. II)
10. Lawnmowers For Heroes, Comics For Zeros
11. Urban Surfer 125
12. A Is For Asswipe
13. Sorrow (So Dark, So Scared)
14. Goldfish Podge
15. R.F. Potts
16. Wormy Eyes
17. Be Scene, Not Heard
18. Egg Sandwich
19. Anyone For Tinnies
20. King Of The Pharaohs
21. Illinois Enema Bandit
22. Fookin' Moo Vit

1. The Return Of The Fabulous Metal Bozo Clown

With lovely patches on
And stupid girly bonnets
And Donny Osmond,
Do you really know
What I'd like to twat
Are those seventies glam bands
With haircuts so crap,
You think you had attitude
Did you think you were tough
You've got to be joking
With haircut like muff,
Now you've passed on
All your worldly skills
To the next generation
Who think its a brill,
To block up my lungs
Block up the gents
With lipstick and hairspray
Where are the men?
Did you leave behind
As your symbol token
A load of crap songs
And a lampost that was broken?
You're always played at weddings
At new year, barmitzers and charity
Just fuck off back into the seventies
And stop plaguing me,
Especially when I turn on the TV
And there you are again
On a naff clothing advert
Well its improved, it's full of women,
It's the return of the metal bozos clowns
Here it comes
The big clown rap
About those seventies people I want to slap,
Vander Graf Atomic
Rooster Are first in line
For a sawn off shooter
Next in line Noddy Holder and Slade
How much cash
Do they want to make,
Merry Christmas
That record is truly sorry,
They just keeping re-releasing
Every year it sounds even more appalling,
The seventies go down In history
As a shameful embarassing
Memory, Joker bands
For the weak and feeble
The only saving grace
Was Pan's People,
At least a few
Were truely great
They escaped
The glamorous glittered fate,
Johnny Lydon Stiv Bator
MC5 Or the Dictators
But they keep re-releasing
Every year it sounds even more appalling,
It's the return of the metal bozo clowns

2. Jaggered Wedge

On beer, sweeties and porn
I part with cash with china milkwomen
Rocking until the dawn,
I wake with an overhang
Sore knob and a beer back
Did I really spend all that dosh
In a frenzied moolah attack,
Ooh, oooh oooh ooh
Jaggered Wedge
At the end what have I left
Fuck all, just a Jaggered wedge

3. Bad Toad

What you doin' there
Sat in the fridge
With your balding greasy hair
Lookin' like a doughnut
Big fat and blown up,
A said
What ya trying to do
Give me a scare
Sitting there
With raspberries in your hair,
It's not fair
Yeah, yeah Yeah, yeah
Are you a toad in the hole
Larding round and getting old
Or have you been drinking bongwater

4. Feetcleaner

So where's my swag
I've paid good money
For a regal shag,
You're breasts are pert
And you smell so sweet
So why do you wash
My rancid feet,
I fell for you my love
And your girl like charm
It's a shame that my feet
Smell like a pig farm,
They came between us
Tore us apart
So cleanse my tootsies
Make them unarmed,
They came between us
Is to compromise
So my love so sweet
Can get past my feet,
The course of true love
It never ran straight
'Cos I've been taken away
From my primal mate,
She was a tart I was in a band
But at least I rooted
Her sweaty gland,
They came between us tore us apart
So cleanse my tootsies make them unarmed,
Got to get up I've gotta get up What?
Got to get up
Woof woof woof
They came between us

5. Drunk In Charge Of An Ugly Face

Had some beers it affectd my sight
Stopped by the I was for jumping a light
Took down the station and read my rights,
he said,
drunk in charge of an ugly face you're
banned for life its a fucking disgrace

6. Paranoid Polaroid

She was just seven-teen
If you know what I mean
When she appeared unclean
In a gentlemen's magazine,
I was at the barbers shop
Getting my hair cut
Picked up amateur photographer
Just for a quick look,
There on the pages
Spread in front of me
To my untimely horror
Was virginal sweet
Lying there in a bath of milk
She's showing skin as smooth as silk
With her legs spread a kimbo
My daughters a naked bimbo
My daughters a naked bimbo,
Out of the hairdresser (hairdresser)
Pent full of rage
(rage, rage)
My daughters image (image)
I have to save (save, save),
Down to the newsagent (agents)
Full speed and stealth
(stealth, stealth)
I'll buy every copy (copy)
Wipe out the top shelf (shelf, shelf)
Polaroid did your daddy read up on his Freud!
Then I'll confront
Shirley And ask her what's the game
Why her legs were round her neck
Has she got any shame?
"I didn't know what I was doing
Honestly I did'nt
Daddy He just came in through the front door Camera, smiles all happy",
Said "Little girl It's flesh for cash
So grab your Matey And get in the bath",
Nobody will ever find out Why don't you use a
false name
Like Sue from Durbon Or Rod,
Freddy or Jane, But you know that I found out
Because in that mag I peeked So bugger
off up to bed
And no supper for a weak

7. Frash For Cash

Are we in it for the kids,
No way,
Frash for cash,
Frash for cash

8. Crazy Horses

There's a message floatin' in the air.
Comes from, Crazy horses ridin' everywhere.
It's a warning, it's in every tongue.
Gotta stop them crazy horses on the run.

What a show, there they go smokin' up the sky, yeah.
Crazy horses all got riders, and they're you and I.
Crazy horses (repeat 3 times)

Never stop and they never die.
They just keep on puffin' how they multiply.
Crazy horses, will they never halt?
If they keep on movin' then it's all our fault.

Repeat chorus

So take a good look around,
see what they've done, see what they've done --

Crazy horses. (repeat several times)

9. Enter Mr. Formica (Icky Ficky Pt. II)

I was a boring git Who had a social life As
rare as a rocking horse shit, Bob fucking Catley Was bardly the word Nuno
Bettencourt A right flamin' nerd, But now I've
returned A true nineties bloke Because I've risen my head An even bigger joke,
My names Mr. Formica My middle name is
probably Keith I've got my flash & Mr.Sheen I am now armed to the teeth, To cook
the food And watch the kids Wash out the
undies Remove the skids, Polish the windows And then watch this morning Go
flower arranging I'm right fuckin' boring, The
moral of this story Is don't listen to bands who are shit Like Magnum for
example 'Cos you'll become a real wet git, At the
start of this song My life had improved But I've just realised That it hasn't

10. Lawnmowers For Heroes, Comics For Zeros

gone, Comics are for pre-pubescent moronic slime
Who've got nothing better to do with their time, The one I most hate is
Superman, An underpant wearing flying phallic gland,
On Krypton he collects his strength and girth, I wish he'd been aborted at
birth, I hate Dan Dare and the Mekon with no hair,
They live in space, I wish they'd stay up there, stupid comics full of space
ships, I'd rather read a magazine full of
gardening tips, Batman and Robin help people out a tight spot, Batman and Robin
so fucking what, They live in Gotham, what do
they want, a clap? If they lived in Bradford they'd still be crap, Swamp thing I
really do despair, Looks like a marshmallow
with seaweed of hair, What kind of hero is that supposed to be, A walking giant
sea anemone, Come and join me in the human
race, Where there's no super heroes in cartoon space

11. Urban Surfer 125

Urban Surfer 125 You're not staying alive Staying alive, staying alive, ah ha
ha ha staying alive You will not survive, Fat
Controller wearing bowler Stroke the boiler Jenny Agutter Fat Controller wearing
bowler Stroke the boiler Jenny Agutter, Jump
on the roof Dislodge a tooth You stupid youth Climb on the ran Get a sun tan On
the guards van Oh no you are dead You got a
bridge right in the head, Urban surfer 125 You're not staying alive You will not
survive, Scum like you Deserve to die
Squirting blood, Ten foot high

12. A Is For Asswipe

blinkered world, Narrow Mindered Blinkered
Fool, It's no surprise to me That you can barely see More than three or four
feet Right in front of thee, Bigoted Pre-
Concieved Ideas, Yes you are a complete asswipe A totally wild and dangerous man
Mixing and testing with ideology Dealing
your drugs and singing in bands, Down on your luck, scraping for cash Feeding
the masses with polluted stash Injecting the
serum from you to the half-wit The toxic milkshake will bulge out your wallet,
Ac- Cept Your Crime, OK me old asswipe The
system has decided It won't here of this They'll put a stop to it, It's not good
enough for you To serve out national justice
You were right and they were wrong So you'll become an anarchist, Listen, sing
in your band A better life for a growing man
Don't preach your blinkered tribe 'Cos you are a grade A asswipe, You came We
saw We laughed In your face

13. Sorrow (So Dark, So Scared)

Oooh yeah
C'mon Wolf child,
An opening expanse
Circle it
With a macabre dance
That troubled furrow
Wipe away
Those tears of sorrow
So dark
So scared
Sorrow, Oooh yeah
C'mon Wolf child

14. Goldfish Podge

burgers In a nice fresh bun Set the cat on
him See the fucker run, Knick Knack paddy wack Give the fish a bone You fat
bastard Your stomach's really grown, Here comes H
He's captain golden golden fry Gonna pop you with his fork And turn you into
pie, You stupid fool You should have know A
goldfish shouldn't Weigh ten stone

15. R.F. Potts

cream A three pin plug with a negative earth
Watch me swell to an amazing girth Watch me swell to an amazing girth, Red one
Green one It doesn't really matter Makes my
orgasms Come with a real splatter Come with a real splatter, Electrical
highways, bulging with power The positive charges
would make some cower Talking wiring makes some folk tire But I'd give all for a
bit of wire But I'd give all for a bit of
wire, -death grunt- A soldered joint I say hey that's nice A connecting plug &
I'll look twice Blue Tack frenzy is what we
need To make one really chuck my seed To make one really chuck my seed, The
thing about my little fetish Is that when I feel
I'm getting a little peckish For a flex of multicore fantasy spanking I look in
the TV for some wire wanking I look in the
TV for some wire wanking

16. Wormy Eyes

17. Be Scene, Not Heard

Scene, What scene?

18. Egg Sandwich

Two slices of bread Loads of butter A big fat egg What's that make? Egg sandwich

19. Anyone For Tinnies

order bell, Before I roam I feel my mouth
Begin to foam, It's not too late To get some tins Seal my fate, I need to quench
my raging thirst There's plenty more cash in
my purse I say bartender, re-open the bar straight away I believe a lock-in is
order of the day, ANY ONE FOR LOCK-INS I don't
see why Landlords got the buff Lock-ins are great I was perfectly chuffed I was
perfectly chuffed, Why is be wielding that
hat The one of the baseball variety This puts pay to my play The twist of my
sobriety, Well that did nothing for my nerves
What a terrible fright I'll go and find a liquor store In the dead of the night
Anyone for tinnies There's ducks in my mouth
An alcoholic drought My nerves are in tatters Inebriation is all that matters,
What is the problem with the world All I want
is to have a drink Pour that brew right down my neck I don't ask much I don't
think, So off we go, back to my place Open my
fridge and peer within On comes the light, look round the lettuce My fridge is
full, it's tinnies heaven, Grab a four pack
and a few tins more On with the telly, slump on the floor The Hitman and Her I
thankfully missed Who gives a sod, I'm totally

20. King Of The Pharaohs

Tornado planes
War ensemble
Jesus saves,
stars just for a cheap buck you pushed too far

21. Illinois Enema Bandit

to make things flow A one man anal fountain
show, A bowel of water to be let out Let me pull on your sphinctal spout, I'm
the Illinois enema bandit I will make your
rectum sick I'm the Illinois enema bandit I will make your rectum sick,I'm a
sick and perverted man I get my kicks with a
watering can A length of hose to make things flow A one man anal fountain show,
Administer young women In a novel way It's
quite amusing to see What the papers say The next morning On the girlie's tunnel
I leave my calling card On her anal funnel

22. Fookin' Moo Vit

Ay ay ay, Fookin' moo vit


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