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"Not Myself" (2000)

1. Heaviest
2. Proctology
3. Cry For Help
4. Angel Beard
5. Still Breathing
6. Intermission
7. Not Myself
8. Overunderachiever
9. Magnitude

1. Heaviest

These are the things that we donít talk about
Ďcause itís affecting everyone we know,
and we donít talk about
because it makes us so uncomfortable.

Failures never to rise in conversation;
success stressedóexclamation.
And what about your home, your life, your beliefs?

These are the things that we donít talk about
because it might ruffle some feathers up,
and we donít talk about it,
and it makes us kind of nuts.

These are the things that we donít talk about
Ďcause people probe our lives day after day,
and we donít talk about
because we hope it will just go away.

These are the things that we donít talk about:
this message always hitting in the face,
and we donít talk about
resulting guessing error is the case.

2. Proctology

So now I see every inch I gave to you is gone.
You, only to return the look on your face
telling me your sad story.
I donít believe youówhy I didnít know why.
To deceive me was your goal, and you lied.
Bite the hand that feeds you no more;
chores and deeds you will not receive.
Call on me; I wonít be there for you no more.
Will I guide? You make excuses.
Left in a pool of pity. Poor little boy.

(I know you well.)
What a fool I was to take your word because
you leaned on me when you were strong.
(More than you know.)
I guess you never saw how hard I worked for you.
Thanking me was only last.

Proctology is the way that you clothe and feed yourself.
Youíre not a doctor, so I refuse to pay.
Hand over fist out the door you goóout of my life.
Stay away; leave me alone; and I repeat
your empty promises which I refuse to deal.
Your mouth is moving, but no truth comes out your
little hole.
Life like a hungry hunting leach: parasitic in act.
You try to teach me one way to fill my huge void
of self rely you donít possess.

3. Cry For Help

Shackled from inside. Injury limits pride.
I am my lesser self. I scream a cry for help.

This is my cry. Hear my cry. Bring me back alive.

I found one meaning of life today:
While others cast me away,
the freedom to move as I please;
bow downóI do to the God of knees.
Do not need money; just a place to lie.
Believe; I still dream for the sky.
Say it without mobility.
You hear me cry. You hear me scream.

Sitting in the wide,
confining walls hold me inside.
I am too weak to move myself.
I need to cry. I need some help.
None of this is what it seems.
Canít rid myself nightmare; no dream.
Arteries aching. No sleep tonight.
Iím forced to face this waking bite.

4. Angel Beard

I see colors racing down the walls at me
óinching toward me like road before me;
broken stripes and contiguous lines forming
in colors of yellow and black.

All my life Iíve dreamed of telling stories
óones like on the silver screen.
Mystery is right on top of my list.
They come out as real life or dreams.

Iím looking out. I see the world
óeach cloud lined in silver.
Now Iím sitting down. Iím out in the world.
These days even the clouds have friends.
Looks to me like Mario: hat, mustache, and all
ólegs no longer than his head.
Silver breaking down, fading into white light.
Theyíre playing hide and seek again.

Sitting in my chair I find it hard to move.
At times I forget Iím dreaming.
Like all good things this will come to an end.
Wait, now another begins.

Back in the room where this whole thing started,
those gathered outside cannot hear.
Living their reality, Iím living mine.
Time it moves on free and clear.

Beaming, glowing.
Little red bugs where are you going?
You should have been there.

Spinning, turning
on rivet red Ďcause youíre burning.
When canít find nervous system make no sound.

Synchronized, Iím mesmerized
watching intently though your demise.
All left in panic stricken mode, they were.

5. Still Breathing

Iím breathing. You canít stop me.
Succeeding. You canít wrong me.
Iíve awakened more that ever.
Time is now. Watch me deliver.
Not wasting things you squander.
Keep focus; no more wander.
What I have of both sides.
Confidence in me resides.

You mock me. Iím listening
with back turned. Hear so clearly.

Iíve lived my life without regrets.
Iíve done more that you care to admit.
So what if it is not done your way?
Iíve lived each one and very day.

Created by yourself
with remarks I wonít forget.

The day is coming soon.
Too bad I wonít share it with you.

Still breathingónever stopped me.
Successfulónever wronged me.
Awake and looking at you.
Time now, tell me what you do.
Not wasting. You canít live by.
Keep focus. You will deny.
What I have you block outright.
Confidenceónot in your life.

6. Intermission

7. Not Myself

Fighting my biology during the
last three thousand years.
Such a short time,
yet some want so much.
Canít we just give it some time?
When will we realize
sudden change will always leave us

I am not myself when Iím around you
óno one real; I am not real.
You are not yourself, and it is so true
óno one real; I am not real.
We are lying when everythingís a mystery
óno one real; I am not real.

Stepping out youíll see it all.
Youíre a fake, and youíre a fake.
A smile that looks forced like yours
just wonít get you far.
Canít you see? Canít you tell that
we are all sexist, racist, back-stabbing?
Accept that, or lie to yourself.

I am not myself when Iím around you
óno one real; I am not real.

This is me.

Now a new face upon the scene.
Your personality will shift .
Involuntarily hide what we think and feel.
Disguise what we say
ólaughing until they go away.

I will not feed your picture of me.
I will not change to you from me.

Why this instant metamorphosis?
Is it necessary to please you? I question.
Is it necessary to please someone questionable?
I am not myself because youíre
right in front of me.

8. Overunderachiever

Youíre always talking, but youíll never be heard.
You wanted first, but youíll always be third.
Remember nothingóalcoholic blur.
Think youíll ask her, but youíll never be sure.
Twisted mind; you wish your thoughts were cleaner.
This overwhelm you can never deter.
Well wishes, but they didnít occur.
All because you didnít lift a finger.

In things with meaning you were never concerned.
Wanted to know, but you never did learn.
Your mouth wide open, but it wasnít your turn.
And spent the money that you know you canít earn.
Knocking me although you know youíre a turd.
The goals in which you wish you couldíve conquered
are mounting in a file of never referred
just like a pile of people not remembered.

I wish you well my friendólike all the others.
Each time you screw someone and toss them out
like old furniture, I will give everything Iíve got to
end your schemes prematurely. Until you turn your
take to giving, you will be labeled by the same name:

9. Magnitude

You donít take me seriously; I will show you.
Wonít waste my pride on you; wonít waste my time.
Energy depleting; must keep my focus.
Time is my guide, and the sun is my light.

The goal created in my mind.
Deceptive truth is still a lie.
Tell it the way it really should be,
or let your daysí end begin.

Accept me, but as a fool is your reason
óputting me down to your friends without thought.
When asked what you really think by me you fester
like the mold in your brain: one big clot of insane.

Magnitude rising; your palms start to sweat.
Youíre burning inside, and itís growing again.
Trying to be something truly youíre not.
By tearing me down guess just where you will rot.

I canít help but feeling you wish to be different.
You are the one who is suffering inside.
Canít seem to let go; hold on to security.
Internal waróit is yours. No, not mine.


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