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BAD NEWS LYRICS
"Bad News" (1987)
1. Bad Dreams Rehearsal
2. A.G.M.
3. Introducing The Band
4. Bad News
5. Hey Mr. Bassman
6. Hey Mr. Drummer
7. Masturbike
8. Trousers
9. Drink Till I Die
10. Vim Is Angry
11. Hey Hey Bad News
12. Warriors Of Ghengis Khan
13. Excaliber Rehearsal
14. Bohemian Rhapsody
15. Double Entendre
16. Cashing In On Christmas
17. Dividing Up The Spoils
1. Bad Dreams Rehearsal
Colin: Why don't you, er, just, er... sing the words that you had for that, Dennis? I thought
they were frightfully good.
Den: Okay. (Starts to play guitar.) It's quite difficult to sing and play.
Colin: It's a love song, is it? It's very moving.
(Den continues to play.)
Vim: Are those the words then?
Den: No, I'm just getting into it! I'll have to start again now. (Stops playing.)
Colin: Shhhhh! Quiet!
(Den starts playing again.)
Spider: That's the old number we used to do...
Colin: Quiet! Be QUIET!
Vim: It's very Status Quo, isn't it?
Den: (sings) Bad dreams are keeping me awake at night.
Bad dreams, I think I'm gonna turn on the light.
Bad dreams, wish that they'd go away.
Bad dreams, here comes the beast again!
Colin: That's nice.
Vim: What?
Den: Nightmare, ....ing to me all night long.
Nightmare, duh duh duh duh duh strong.
Colin: Some words there, obviously.
Den: Nightmare, duh duh duh... I'll start again.
Colin: What do you think, Vim?
Den: Bad dreams are keeping me awake at night...
Colin: (joining in) Bad dreams are keeping me... turn on the light.
Den: Bad dreams, how long are they gonna go on?
Colin: I don't know...
Den: Nightmare! Look out, here comes the beast again!
Colin: Oooooooohhh! Ouch, bite, bite!
(Den stops playing.)
Vim: And you all like that song, do you?
Colin: Well, we thought it had...
Den: I'll play it again, shall I?
Vim: No, don't...
Den: (Starts playing) Bad dreams...
Vim: No, Den, don't play it again, or I'll break your guitar.
(Den stops playing.)
Colin: Careful, Alan.
Vim: Alright. I think the only bit that's worth salvaging is the bit where you're not playing
the guitar, and you say "Here comes the beast again."
Den: Oh, right, just (sings) "Bad dreams..."
Vim: No! None of that! All that's rubbish. Just "Here comes the beast again" is actually
quite good.
Den: (sings) Here comes the beast again!
Vim: Yeah.
Colin: Yeah, did you notice there was...
Vim: There was the nub of a song in there.
Den: Nightmare! Here comes the beast again!
Vim: No... yeah, that's quite good. If I sang it, that would be quite good.
Den: And you could have, like, screaming on it.
Vin: (sings) Nightmare! Here comes the beast again!
Den: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH! Like that.
Vim: Have you hurt yourself, Den?
Den: No.
Vim: Oh.
Colin: There was a bit where I did a bit of a scream, a sort of "Uuuuurgh!" thing. Did you
notice that?
Vim: No.
Colin: Well, it was... I thought it was...
Vim: Do you want to give it to me one more time?
Colin: Yes, it comes just after the beast bit, actually...
(Den starts to play again.)
Vim: No! Don't play the fucking music one more time.
Den: (stops playing) I thought you said give it to you one more time?
Vim: No, just his scream.
Den: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!
Vim: No, not your scream! Colin's scream!
Colin: No, my come scream... my scream comes after him.
Vim: Oh, alright.
Den: So we'll do mine first.
Colin: Right. Well, why don't you go from...
Den: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!
Colin: Den, why don't you go from the verse before that?
Den: Oh no, I was doing it so that you could...
Colin: No, no, but go from the verse before that, then I'll know where I am and what feeling I
have.
(Den starts to play.)
Colin: Nightmare, look out, put on the light again, all that... Yeah, la di la... Sing the
words, sing the words!
Den: (stops playing) Nightmare!
Colin: That's it.
Den: Here comes the beast again! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!
Spider: Do you know, I think we might have a... we might get a song together...
Vim: Hang on, hang on...
Den: Oh Spider, that was where his scream was gonna come!
Colin: No, I was actually going to do the scream then, but Spider came in too early.
Vim: Just do it from "Nightmare"...
Den: Nightmare!
Colin: No, well...
Den: Here comes the beast again! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!
Colin: I was wanting to go from the verse before that.
Vim: No, you're supposed to scream then, aren't you?
Den: Oh no!
Colin: Yes, but could we go from the verse before? I have to know what kind of feeling I'm in.
Could we just go from the verse... I'm awfully sorry. It won't take much time.
Vim: Alright.
(Den starts again.)
Colin: Nightmare, I'm going to turn on the light again
Nightmare, I'm going to turn...
Den: (stops playing) Here comes the beast again! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!
Colin: Uuuuuuuuuuuuuurgh! That's the one I was talking about. What do you think?
Vim: What, that's where you're going to do the scream?
Colin: No, that WAS the scream. And I thought it sounded rather frightening.
Vim: Well... just give it to us solo.
Colin: Well...
Vim: On the count of four.
Colin: No, I don't think I...
Vim: One, two, three, four.
Colin: Alan... I don't think I can just go into it like that. I need the verse... could you
start from the verse before the scream again?
(Den starts again.)
Colin: Nightmare, I'm going to turn on the light again.
Nightmare, here comes the nightmare again... Scream!
I'm going to turn on the light again, nightmare...
Den: (stops playing) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!
Colin: And this... there's this...
Spider: (singing quietly) Nightmare... gonna turn on the light again... nightmare, gonna turn it
on again... ye-eah...
Colin: This is awfully funny, but...
Spider: AAAAAARGH!
Colin: Spider, could you... sit up a bit?
Spider: Nightmare, gonna turn it on again... turn on the light again...
Den: Somebody put Spider on his chair.
Colin: Could somebody tap him or something? Er, I'm... Spider, hello!
Spider: Hello!
Colin: Are you alright?
Spider: What?
Colin: Your eyes are sort of... looking in opposite...
(Barely stifled laughter.)
Spider: Nightmare, nightmare... turn the light on again...
Den: Oh no.
Spider: It's good that, innit? I think I'm just getting it. Do you want me to sing this one,
Den?
Den: Okay. (Starts playing.)
Spider: (sings completely out of time) Nightmare, I think I'm going, er, turn, er, turn on the
light again... and I'm gonna, erm, going out, turn on the light again, you know... make
a cup of tea.
Den: (stops playing) Nightmare! Here comes the beast again! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!
Colin: Uuuuuuuuurgh! There! I did it again. What do you think?
Vim: I think it's a bloody horrible smell.
2. A.G.M.
Spider: What was the AGM about then?
Den: It was... the AGM of Bad News was about, what are we gonna call the album? So, I declare
this meeting open, and er... Colin is taking the minutes...
Vim: Can I say a few words first?
Colin: Well...
Den: No. The meeting is now open.
Colin: Yes, we have to start the meeting like we do all the meetings.
Vim: Alright.
Den: I am the chairman.
Colin: Den, as always, is the chairman. I'm taking minutes.
Den: I am the chairman, you are taking minutes. Do we have all the members of Bad News
present?
Colin: I shall ask for a head count.
Spider: Present. Present!
Colin: We have to do this properly like we always do...
Vim: There's four heads.
Colin: I have to do the head count like we always do at the meeting.
Vim: There's ALWAYS four heads.
Colin: Please! Please.
Vim: Alright.
Colin: If we want to decide on a title for the album...
Den: My forehead's above my eyebrows.
Colin: If we're going to decide on a title for the album then we must do it as a band, as a
democracy. I'll do the head count. Den Dennis, are you present?
Den: Yes, I am present.
Colin: Spider Webb, are you present?
Spider: Present, Sir!
Colin: Colin Grigson, are you present? Yes, I am present. Alan?
Vim: Yeah?
Colin: Are you here?
Vim: (laughs) Yeah, course I'm fuckin' here!
Colin: Alright then, well, look at me when I ask you.
Vim: Huh!
Colin: Vim Fuego, are you present?
Vim: Vim Fuego is here. All kneel and praise him.
Colin: All are... please! All are present, Mr Chairman.
Den: I now declare this AGM open, and... who is going to speak first?
Vim: Why do we have AGMs every fuckin' week? It's supposed to be annual, isn't it?
Colin: (sighs)
Den: I thought it was every day.
Colin: Well, it's turning out to be every day, because you've got...
Vim: (breaks wind) Oh, sorry.
Den: Hang on, hang on, it says here in the constitution, no farting at an AGM!
Colin: Open the window! Where's the window?
Den: There isn't a window, we're in a windowless void.
Vim: Oh God! Right, can I say a few words now?
Colin: To propose the motion of the title of the album, I call upon Vim Fuego.
Vim: I'd like to say...
Colin: Mr Fuego, what is your, er, thing?
Vim: I'd like to say that I think we're doing very, very well on this album. I think
everyone's playing has become immeasurably better. I don't think I've ever played with a
better bass player, I think he's really got the... thing, you know...
Den: What?
Vim: I think Spider's drumming is immaculate...
(Murmurs of agreement.)
Vim: ...and even Den is surpassing, you know... even Richie Blackmore's standards... and I
think we should call the album "Vim Fuego".
(Pause.)
Den: Yeah...
Colin: Hmmm. Well, Dennis had a much better idea for the album title, didn't you?
Den: Yeah, what happened to "Satan Ate My Knob"?
Colin: Well, EMI said that we couldn't say it, it was... it was obscene and anti-Christian.
Spider: And also, there was, erm...
Vim: They're bloody picky, aren't they?
Spider: But you've got a problem with the Trade Descriptions Act, you see, 'cause he didn't.
Colin: Yes, there's that as well, yes.
Den: Oh, that's a point, yeah.
Vim: Yeah. They're not to know that, though.
Colin: You could say, er...
Den: "Satan Would Like To Eat My Knob."
Colin: Ah, but even then, you can't prove it.
Vim: Either... someone might see Satan one day and he might have thought that one day he'd
eat our knobs.
Colin: You could say "In my opinion... Satan might..."
Spider: Could be... could be seen to be eating your knob.
Colin: Could be in a mood...
Den: Well, not "seen to be"...
Colin: Could be seen to...
Den: ...'cause, I mean, you know, what if he doesn't? Then no-one's ever seen him do it.
Colin: Mmm, mmm... "In My Imagination I Have Sometimes Thought About Satan Eating My Knob."
Perhaps we could call the album that.
Vim: Why couldn't we have "Satan Ate My Head", and then...
Colin: Because he hasn't! We've been through all this!
Den: Trades description fuck-up.
Colin: I mean, cool out. Cool out.
Den: What about "Paranoid Greatest Hits"?
Vim: (laughs) That's a real one though, isn't it?
Den: No.
Vim: No, it's Sabbath.
Den: No, it's not the Sabs.
Vim: Purps?
Den: It's not the Sabs.
Vim: Well, what are good titles that other bands have had, then?
(Pause.)
Colin: ..."Slippery When Wet"?
Den: Er...
Vim: "Slippery When Wet" is quite good.
Den: (opens door) I'm just going for a piss.
Colin: Not bad.
Vim: That's not bad!
Colin: Not bad.
Den: Right. I now declare this meeting closed.
Colin: Good. Any other business?
Den: Well, if we can't play, 'cause there's no instruments and Brian's away doing an album
with Lulu...
Spider: No, Anita... Anita...
Colin: Anita Harris.
Spider: ...Harris.
Den: Or Anita Harris, well, anyway...
Colin: (belches)
Den: ...if they're away doing an album, why don't we just drink a lot instead?
3. Introducing The Band
Colin: Hello, my name's Colin Grigson. (Plays a few bass notes.) I play bass guitar for Bad
News. My favourite colour's blue, and my favourite kind of music is heavy metal music.
Den: Hello. My name is Den Dennis. (Plays a few guitar notes.) I play the rhythm guitar in
Bad News. My favourite food is curry, because it's open late at night.
Vim: My name is Vim Fuego! (Outrageous guitar solo.) I let my guitar speak for me!
Colin: That's because you're incoherent most of the time.
Den: Hello. My name is Spider Webb. (Hits a few drums.) I am... the drummer... in Bad News.
Do I have to do this just 'cause he didn't turn up?
Colin: Yes, just say that you can't play the drums and you're a complete toss-face.
Den: I can't play the drums and I'm a complete toss-face. I don't... I think we should get
Spider to do this one himself. I think this is fucking stupid!
Colin: Yes, but he never turns up, does he? Now, start once again. Do you know what you're
going to say? Hello, I'm Spider Webb...
Den: Hello, my name is Spider Webb, I am the drummer from...
Colin: I am the CRAP drummer.
Den: I am the CRAP drummer from Bad News...
(Door opens.)
Den: Oh, hello Spider!
Spider: My name is Den Dennis and I think it's a load of bollocks!
Colin: My name is Spider Webb. (Does an impression of Spider's laugh.)
Spider: That's very good! (Laughs.)
Vim: My name is Colin Grigson. Hoity-toity fucking hoit.
Colin: My bloody fucking name is Vim bloody fucking Fuego bloody fucking...
Vim: Bloody fuck off then, Fuego, fuck off.
Colin: ...and I'm the bloody fucking spunk all over your face guitarist. Spunk, bloody,
fucking.
4. Bad News
Bad News Bad News Bad News
For you and you and you and you and you
Bad News Bad News Bad News
For you and you and you and you and you
Can't you see Black Leather?
Can't you hear Devil Woman?
Can't you see Screaming Virgins?
Don't you know bloodlust paranoid metal!
Bad News Bad News Bad News
For you and you and you and you and you
Bad News Bad News Bad News
For you and you and you and you and you
Can't you see heavy rainbow?
Can't you hear metal fury?
Can't you see demon lager?
Don't you know Megawatt Winged Avenger!
5. Hey Mr. Bassman
Colin: (tuning up) Hey... hee-eey, he-ey, hey, hee-eey... hey, hey... Here we go. Ahem.
(sings) Hey, Mr Bassman, what is your name?
My name is Colin Grigson
Spider: Yeah!
Colin: And playing the bass guitar is my game
So let's play the bass guitar, NOW!
Vim: Okay, can you turn that off please, Brian, we'll get on with the next one.
(Music stops.)
Vim: I've got a problem, Brian...
Colin: Den, you're supposed to do the horrid laughing there.
Den: It's the size of his penis.
Vim: Every time I sing "Eat my brain"...
Colin: Den, can you hear me?
Den: I've had you switched off, Colin.
Colin: Den!
Vim: ...I sing it so hard that my rectum seems to prolapse.
Den: Can we get a nappy? Have we got a nappy roadie?
Vim: Just someone to take all the shit.
Spider: How old are you, Den?
Den: Thirty-eight. No, oh, sorry, seventeen.
Colin: (starts to sing again) Hey, Mr Bassman...
Den: Hey, Mr Bassman, play the fucking bass!
(Laughter.)
Spider: So, is it your birthday?
Colin: Yes, it is, today.
Spider: (sings) Happy birthday to you...
Colin: Thanks.
Spider: Happy bir.... how old are you, then?
Colin: Er... Well, er...
Spider: 'Cause Den is seventeen! (Laughs)
Colin: Is he?
Spider: I'm sixteen and a half! (More laughter) I can't live this lie anymore. I'm thirty-three
and proud of it!
(Guitar note)
Vim: (sings same note) La...
Den: ...ger.
(All sing "la" and "ger" a few times.)
Colin: (sings again) Hey, Mr Bassman...
Den: Hey, Mr Bassman! Get the fucking night bus home!
(Vim laughs.)
6. Hey Mr. Drummer
(Instrumental section of "Hey Hey Bad News" playing. Music stops, sound of tape rewinding.)
Vim: Hello, Colin?
Colin: I was going "ba-da-da"!
Vim: Hello, can you hear me?
Colin: Yes, I can hear you, I was going "ba-da-da", I...
Vim: It was going very... you weren't going "ba-da-da, ba-da-da, ba-da-da, ba-da-da, bang,
bang, ba-da-da..."
Colin: Yes I WAS going "ba-da-da, ba-da-da, ba-da-da, bang, bang." The first time I went
"rumpty dumpty", yes, but the second time I went "ba-da-da" like a fury!
Vim: Well...
Colin: And I've got a jolly stiff arm! We've been through this one and a half times, you must
have enough to put on your silly record! Alright, we'll do it once more. Ba-da-da, ba-
da-da, flipping...
Vim: We're gonna drop you in for the ba-da-da's, right?
Colin: I'd like to drop YOU in, RIGHT at the ba-da-da's.
Den: What's bubble bath got to do with it?
(Music starts again, stops and rewinds.)
Colin: Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot it.
Vim: Colin?
Colin: (sighs) Yes.
Vim: You missed the fuckin' "Duh-duh-duh-duh".
Colin: Yes, I know. I realised that at the time, and I said I'm sorry.
Vim: Yeah... you've missed it a few times now...
Colin: Well, I dropped it in earlier, couldn't we use that one?
Vim: No, you weren't playing aggressively enough. In fact, as you continue to play, your
aggression seems to disappear.
Colin: That's because my arm gets tired. I've never had to move my arm up and down so many
times in my life.
Vim: Now, is that true, Colin?
(Music starts again, stops and rewinds.)
Colin: SORRY! I'm sorry, I didn't go "ba-da-da".
Vim: Colin?
Colin: Yes.
Vim: You still there?
Colin: Unfortunately, yes.
Vim: Er... You know that really fucking moronic bass run you do?
Colin: Which one?
Vim: It goes "ba-da-da-da ba-da-da-da duh duh duh duh"...
Colin: Yeessss...
Vim: Do you think you could liven up a bit? Give it a bit more? What I mean is...
Den: Spunk.
Vim: ...you can slide off the end of those notes...
Colin: With the spunk?
Vim: ...the second and the fourth one...
Den: Spunk, yeah. Slide off the end with the spunk.
Vim: No, no, no, stop listening to the spunky stuff. It goes, "da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da
DUUHHH! Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da DUUUHHHH!" And you can slide your finger down the
fretboard.
Colin: Yeah, but I've got a cut.
Vim: (sighs) Can you use another finger?
Colin: Well, I'll try, but it might mean using a different string.
7. Masturbike
Fires of hell, doomsday bell,
Prison cell, bloody hell!
On my Masturbike!
See the cat, on the mat, it has shat, stupid twat
Look out we're going to hell!
Eat my brain, go insane, eat my brain, go insane
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!
Ride the rat, nightmare man
Ride the rat, nightmare man
On my Masturbike
Lick my hump, Kiss my stump
Burst my lump, Bloody pump
Look out we're going to hell!
Eat my brain, eat my brain, eat my brain, eat my brain
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!
Hello Bill! Chernobyl!
I feel Ill! Hospitil!
On my Masturbike!
8. Trousers
Den: (sings) On a clear day... you can see my penis.
Colin: What are you going to wear for Top Of The Pops?
Vim: I'm gonna wear black, I think. Something really tight around, you know, the crotch...
Colin: Yeah, that's important, but it's so difficult to find trousers that fit round the waist
and yet still show off, you know, the undercarriage.
Vim: Well, you have to get those really thin ones. It's like wearing a pair of tights,
really.
Colin: Yeah, I guess we could... We could just paint our legs black, how would that work?
Vim: You'd have to paint your knob black as well.
Colin: Yeah.
Den: And it'd dangle about a bit, you know, I mean, if you...
Spider: Well, that's good though, isn't it?
Den: No, but, it'd sort of...
Colin: It would just look like a painted knob rather than a pair of trousers.
Vim: You couldn't pad it then, either, could you?
Colin: No, that's true. You could sellotape the cucumber on, I suppose... no, that'd be a
giveaway, though.
Den: Do you use a cucumber?
Colin: ...Yeah.
Den: Oh.
Vim: What do you use, Den?
Den: I just stuff an old pair of socks down there.
Vim: I use a big stick of broccoli, 'cause it's got a better shape... it's a more interesting
idea.
Den: Don't you get all kind of green juice down your leg?
Colin: Well, I guess it's okay as long as you wear your black trousers, then it just goes
straight down the side of your boot and you can wash your feet at the end of the gig.
(Guitar solo plays.)
Colin: Shut up a tick. Vim?
Vim: Yeah?
Colin: Did you ask Den to overdub my bass?
Vim: Yeah!
Colin: But that's not fair!
Vim: But he didn't do it.
Spider: He did. I saw him, I was there.
Colin: There you are, you said you did it.
Den: No, no I didn't.
Colin: Yes you did.
Den: No I didn't.
Colin: Well, who did? Somebody did it.
Spider: You did, Den, I was there!
Colin: I don't use...
Den: Alright, alright, I fucking did, so what? So what if I did? So what?
Vim: Oh God!
Colin: Well, it's not fair! What would you think if I came in and overdubbed your guitar?
Den: But you haven't.
Colin: But what would you think if I did?
Den: Well, it's obvious.
Colin: What would you think?
Den: Well, we'd all think it was crap.
Colin: No, but I mean what would you, inside...
Vim: He's got a point there!
Colin: What would you, inside, feel?
Vim: But he's got a point, hasn't he?
Den: What would I inside feel?
Colin: Yes.
Den: I'd feel "Oh fuck, I've got to go and do it all again 'cause Colin's wiped off the
rhythm guitar."
Colin: Alright, but what if I did it and it was better than you?
Den: But it isn't!
Colin: Yeah, but that's not the point! What I'm saying is, somebody else has overdubbed your
guitar...
Den: No! No, somebody else has overdubbed your bass!
Colin: Yes, but...
Spider: Yeah, it was you, I was there!
Colin: I know it was him! I'm saying it's not right! Hush now.
Den: What do you mean, it's not right? It is! Every note's right!
Colin: No, but I mean morally, it's incorrect. Surely you can understand that, all of you.
Spider: But you can't play the bass. That's why he did it.
Colin: Yes I CAN play the bass, I just wasn't given long enough. I had about... twenty cracks
at it, that's all.
Den: Yeah, what, a day?
Colin: Yes, and if I'd been allowed another day at it I could have got that little string of
notes.
Spider: I think it would have taken twenty YEARS before you got it, Colin.
Colin: I think we should all leave this studio now and talk about this outside.
Den: Well, look, I'm sorry, Colin, then. I'm sorry that I overdubbed your bass...
Vim: What do you wanna go for?
Colin: I just want to go outside so that we can settle who overdubbed my bass.
Den: You wanna step outside about...?
Colin: Yes I do! Yes I ruddy well do!
Den: Right, okay. Okay. In fact, why do we have to step outside?
Colin: Because somebody might...
Den: Why don't we fucking do it NOW then, if that's what you want?
Colin: That's not what I want, you know that's...
Den: That's what you want!
Colin: No, that's not... listen.
Den: What?
Colin: Den, I'm not criticising you, I...
Den: You fucking were!
Colin: I think...
Den: You fucking were!
(Den starts punching Colin.)
Spider: Oh come on guys, look, stop it!
(A fight breaks out. Lots of punches, shouting and breaking equipment.)
Spider: Dennis! Den, you stupid fucker, get away from...
(Spider's drums are knocked over. The fight stops. Colin is whimpering and trying not to cry.)
Spider: Oh, Den, you stupid cunt, look what you've done now. Are you alright, Colin?
Colin: (tearfully) You'll pay for these ruddy trousers!
Den: He asked me to...
Colin: Get away from me! Get away from me!
Spider: Den, stop it!
Den: He asked me... you want some more, then?
Colin: Get away from me!
Den: You want some more?
Colin: No I don't want...
Den: You want some fucking more?
Colin: Take your bloody hands off me, you...
(Minor scuffle.)
Vim: Leave him alone!
Colin: Foul mouthed... you... you big prick!
Den: Just fucking watch it.
Colin: Prick.
(Another punch.)
9. Drink Till I Die
Give me another drink Mr. Bartender
If you don't I'm gonna stick yer dick in a blender
Coz I, oh I, I'm gonna drink til I die
I'm gonna drink til I die
All I want to do is drink as much as I can
That's why I'm a member of a heavy metal band
Coz I, oh I, I'm gonna drink til I die
Lager makes me happy, vodka makes me mean
I'm a heavy metal drinking driving alcohol machine
Listen to me drinking, drinky, drinky, drink.
Listen to me when I go Bleuuuuuuugh!
I get up in the morning, drink a bottle of gin
40 pints of lager and a babycham
Coz I, oh I, I'm gonna drink til I die
I'm gonna drink til I die
10. Vim Is Angry
Vim: You know perfectly well what I'm talking about, Colin.
Colin: No I don't, 'cause I'm not listening to you because you're being so negative at the
moment...
Vim: I'm not... I'm the only one that's trying to be fuckin' positive! You just keep,
fuckin'...
Colin: Then why do you have to use such foul language if you're supposed to be so positive?
Vim: 'Cause I'm FUCKIN' ANGRY!
Colin: Well, I can understand you're angry, it's because you're disappointed in yourself
because you can't play the guitar properly.
Vim: I'm not fuckin' disappointed in myself, I'm disappointed in YOU fuckers!
Colin: Shut up! You stupid pretend pop star.
Spider: I'm going off to write some poetry.
Vim: Every fuckin' person I ever fuckin' play with, it's always the fuckin' same... fuckin'
aggravation...
Spider: Well, maybe... have you ever thought, Vim...
Colin: Foul language, foul language...
Vim: Oh FUCK OFF!
Colin: And a bit more foul language...
Vim: FUCK OFF!
Colin: And a bit more foul language.
Vim: Just FUCK OFF!
Colin: And a bit more foul language there.
Vim: You're fuckin' near to fuckin' having your fuckin' head kicked in!
Colin: What about "bloody"? You haven't said that yet.
Vim: Just shut the fuck up! Why can't we fuckin' play anything?
Colin: Because we spend too much time swearing.
Vim: Alright, what's the point?
Colin: The point is, you can't play the guitar properly because you're too cross.
Vim: I'm only...
Spider: You're too cross 'cause you say "fucking" all the time. That's the problem.
Colin: I think so. Why are you so angry, Vimto?
Vim: Because we haven't fuckin' recorded anything yet!
Spider: We haven't fuckin' recorded anything yet.
Colin: Well, let's record something then.
Vim: But what are we gonna fuckin' record?
Spider: ...gonna fuckin' record?
Vim: (sighs) Do you wanna fuckin' do this or not?
Colin: I was talking to Brian today, and Brian said, "Colin..." I said...
Vim: Yes, what did Brian say to you, Colin?
Colin: What do you want to hear?
Vim: Well, what did he say to you? I'm sure it's fuckin' great! Come on, what did he say?
Colin: He said, "Throw Vim out the band."
Vim: Alright, do you want me to go?
Colin: Yes.
Vim: Right, I'll fuck off. Goodbye.
(There is an unexplained crashing sound.)
Vim: (in the distance) Fuck you! Fuck you!
Colin: Can you go quicker than that, please?
Vim: (further away) I'm fuckin' going! I hope you fuckin' die!
11. Hey Hey Bad News
Are you ready to rock?
Are you ready to roll?
Because we are Bad News
You gotta kick away the blues
So you me hear you say hey!
(Audience Chant "Fuck off Bad News")
Hey Hey Bad News
Hey Hey Bad News
Hey Hey Bad News
Hey Hey Bad News
Hey you're looking good
We're all having fun
You gotta kick away the blues
So sing heh heh Bad News!
(Audience Chant again)
Lead Break
(Audience Chant again)
Hey! That's what I say
This is metal!
And we ain't never gonna die, never gonna die, never gonna die!
We're so heavy!
Heavy Metal!
And we ain't never gonna die, never gonna die, never gonna die!
Are you ready to rock?
Are you ready to roll?
Bad News are here!
They're gonna save out souls! (Arseholes more like)
12. Warriors Of Ghengis Khan
I'm a warrior, the bloody won't wash away
I'm a warrior, I'll kill myself one day!
Burning looting, raping shooting
Burning looting, raping shooting
Burning looting, raping shooting
Burning looting, raping shooting
All this I do, I'd kill for you
Come on pretty baby won't you take my hand
Come and fuck the ? in a rock and roll band
Baby baby baby baby baby
I want to see your bloody all over the land. All this I do, I'd kill for you
Coz I'm a warrior, of Genghis Khan
Coz I'm a warrior, of Genghis Khan
I'm a warrior, the bloody won't wash away
I'm a warrior, I'll kill myself one day
Coz I'm a warrior, of Genghis Khan
Coz I'm a warrior, of Genghis Khan
I'm a warrior, the bloody won't wash away
I'm a warrior, I'll kill myself one day
13. Excaliber Rehearsal
Den: No, it's the introduction...
Colin: Can't you take a joke? It's just a little bit of fun.
Den: It's the introduction to "Excalibur", that's what it is.
Vim: I don't think it's very funny.
Colin: Well, I thought it was funny. Just because you don't think...
Vim: I don't think you CAN be very funny about metal.
Colin: Well, I think YOU can, every time you pick up a ruddy guitar, you frightful thing!
Vim: God, I fucking hate you.
Colin: Look, it's taken us three days to tune up, can we just settle on something? Do we have
to row all the time?
Vim: I've got to think of the lyrics yet.
Den: You've got lyrics for "Excalibur".
Colin: How do the lyrics for "Excalibur" go then?
Den: They go "Excalibur, my nightmare."
Colin: Well then, sing that!
Den: But that's... this is the introduction to "Excalibur".
Colin: Well then, get through the introduction and get to the main bit!
Den: That's what I'm trying to do but you keep talking all over it!
Vim: I said "Three, four"!
Den: You're meant to make noises...
Colin: He said "Three, four", that's right, I'm right with you there.
Den: You're meant to make noises of wolves and bells and all that... you've got to make all
the noises.
Colin: Oh, I see. Alright then. Alright.
Spider: Right, what are you gonna be, a wolf or a bell?
Colin: Oh, I'll be both, I don't know.
Vim: Right. Take it away. Three, four.
Spider: Are you the welf or... are you the welf or the bull... the bell?
Vim: Take it away, DEN! Three, four.
Den: I'm waiting for them to stop wanking.
Vim: Can the bell and the fucking wolf just shut up for a minute? Take it away. Three, four.
Colin: Yes, you're the wolf.
Vim: You're the wolf, yeah.
Colin: And I'm the bell.
Vim: What's the bell like, Colin?
Colin: Clang.
(Everyone collapses in hysterical laughter, except Colin.)
Colin: Is that funny, is it?
Spider: I think that's the funniest thing I've ever heard!
Vim: It's fuckin' hilarious!
Spider: Go on then, clang again!
Vim: Well, it's not a bell, is it? Bells don't go "clang", that's just a word people
invent...
Colin: Oh! Oh, how odd! I thought that bells did go "clang". Of course, bells go "vroom vroom",
don't they? Or perhaps they go "moo!" In my book bells go "clang", now leave me alone!
Vim: No! They actually go, "dunnnngggggggg......"
Colin: No, that's cow poo.
Vim: It's not fuckin' cow poo!
Colin: It is! Dung is cow poo. Bells go "clang". Alright then, I'll go "ting". "Ting-a-ling".
"Tinkle". Tinkle, that'll do, won't it?
Den: Well, just think of a.. of a groovy sound effect. Can't you get into it, Colin? Have you
got a problem getting into stuff?
Vim: Can you do an owl, then?
Colin: Yes.
Vim: Go on then.
Spider: Day seventeen. Things aren't going quite as well as we'd hoped.
Colin: Woooooo....
Den: That's good. That'll do.
Vim: That's alright, yeah.
Den: Right. So you let the music go for a few bars, and then you bring them in all subtly.
Vim: Well, I think we need more effects than just a bloody wolf and an owl.
Colin: Oh look, we'll just... let's start.
Den: Yeah, but we've taken three days just to get them.
Colin: Let's just start...
Vim: But a wolf and an owl isn't very heavy, is it?
Colin: Oh, shut up, Alan, shut up! Be constructive! We're supposed to be a pop group, not a lot
of... ruddy collection of...
Den: Right, that's it, I'm going.
Colin: ...twerps.
Den: Right, that is it. I'm unplugging.
Vim: No, don't unplug. Den!
(Den unplugs.)
Vim: Colin!
Den: That's it. I'm sorry, I'm not in a pop group.
Colin: What...?
Den: That is it. I'm sorry.
Colin: Well, what ARE you in, then?
Spider: We're just about to start recording...
Den: I'm in a heavy metal band.
Colin: I'm sorry, I said the wrong words...
Vim: Well, why don't you just fuck off then?
Colin: Okay! Everything's lovely... and a-one, and a-two, and a-three, and a-four!
Vim: One, two, three, four.
(Den starts to play the intro to "Excalibur".)
Colin: DUNNNGGGG!!!!
(Den stops playing.)
Den: I don't want to do this. I'm unplugging again, 'cause Colin just wants to fuck it up.
Vim: Don't unplug! Don't unplug, Den.
Den: This is meant to be our big statement and you're just saying "Dung" all over it.
Vim: It's lyrical at the beginning, right...
Colin: I know, I know, but you've obviously got to have some cows and sheep and things...
Vim: There aren't any sheep in Mongolia!
Den: That's a good name for a band.
Vim: It's all horses and eagles and vultures and... birds of prey and antelopes and stags...
and lions...
Colin: Well, we'll do those noises then.
Vim: ...and that beast that's on the "lager of Lamot" commercials.
Colin: Yes. A sabre-toothed horse.
Vim: Right. Two, three, four.
(Den and Vim start to play.)
Colin: Oooooooooooooowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwoooooooooooooooooooo!!!!
Vim: Stop, stop. Stop.
(They stop playing.)
Colin: Ooooooooooowwwwwooo! Mooooooo!!! Ooowwwwooo!! Erk! Erk! Erk! Flap flap flap flap flap.
That's a bat. Flap flap.... what? Why's everyone stopped?
Den: 'Cause you're shit. 'Cause everything about you is shit.
Vim: What sort of animal is that?
Den: Your brain is shit...
Vim: What sort of animal is that?
Den: ...your body is shit...
Colin: Which one? I did four!
Vim: Well, you shouldn't do all four at once!
Colin: I started with a wolf, then I went to an owl, and then I did a cow along the way, and
then we finished with some bats.
Vim: I told you, there aren't any fuckin' cows in Mongolia!
Colin: No you didn't, you said sheep. I wasn't to know that...
Vim: There aren't any domestic animals in fuckin' Mongolia!
Spider: Brian? Brian, have you got a map or anything? Or, like, a geography book so we can find
out?
Colin: No, but is the def... Wait a minute, wait a minute, is the definition of a cow a
domestic animal, or is it a farmyard animal? A domestic animal is a cat or a dog.
Vim: And how many fuckin' wild cows have you seen recently?
Colin: And how many cows have you seen sitting next to the fire, nestling over slippers, Alan?
Not a lot! Probably about none, I think, is probably the amount you've seen.
Spider: Right, well, let's have a...
Colin: Oh, go and fetch the paper from the newsagent's, Daisy!
Spider: I have got a very good compromise. I think we should make it a calf, not a cow, 'cause
then you could kill it, like killing a...
Den: That'd be good, yeah, we could kill it...
Vim: No, it should be a fuckin' bison!
Den: No, why don't we just kill Colin?
Vim: It should be a fucking bison if it's going to be any sort of... fuckin' bovine...
whatever they call cows.
Den: Let's just sacrifice Colin!
Colin: What noise does a bison make and I'll make it.
Spider: Let's call it "Excalibur Veal!" (laughter) "Excaliveal!" I can't say that...
Vim: Look, the domestic animal - the definition of, is one that's sort of tame...
Den: I'm bored.
Vim: ...Not just ones that are in your fuckin' house!
Den: I am bored.
Colin: Well, you should get a wig then.
Vim: Only do fuckin' wild animals!
Spider: (still laughing) "Veal - The Album!"
Vim: Veal isn't fucking wild!
Colin: (now also laughing) I think it's awfully funny, don't you?
Vim: I fucking DON'T! One, two, three, four...
(Vim starts to play again. Den fails to join in.)
Vim: Den?
Den: I'm just waiting for Spider and Colin to stop fucking around.
Vim: (sighs) I can't fuckin' start him off till you've stopped fucking about, so do all your
fucking about now.
Spider: We've stopped. We've stopped. We've stopped.
Vim: Do all your fucking about now, right? Do it now.
Spider: (sings) Fucking about, fucking about... fucking about, fucking about...
Vim: Just tell me when you've stopped fucking about, okay, and we...
Spider: Okay, I've finished fucking about.
Vim: Have you? Has Colin stopped fucking about?
Colin: No, it's my turn now. Fucking about, fucking about... is that how you do it?
Spider: Fucking about, fucking about...
Colin: Fucking about, fucking about...
Vim: I thought you said you'd finished fucking about, Spider?
Spider: He wanted to know how it went!
Colin: He was just showing me how to do it. Watch.
(Spider and Colin sing "Fucking about" a few times.)
Spider: Fucking about, we're all so fucking about, oh, we don't care... Okay, we feel fine now.
Colin: Alright, good.
Spider: Let's go. One, two, three, four.
14. Bohemian Rhapsody
(Vim coughs)
Vim: MAMAAAAAA! I just killed a man.
I put a gun up to his head, I pulled the trigger, now he's dead!
MAMAAAA! Life had just begun
But now I've gone and thrown it all away!!!
MAMAAA! OOOH OOOH OOOH!
I don't wanna die! I sometimes wish I'd never been born at all!
(Guitar solo with copious wrong notes.)
Vim: I see a little silhouetto of a man
All: Scaramouche, scaramouche, will you do the fandango?
Thunderbolt and lightning, very very frightening me!
Gallileo! Gallileo!
Gallileo! Gallileo!
Colin: Figaro!
All: Gallileo! Figaro! Magnifico-o-o-o-o-o-o!
Vim: Easy come, easy go, will you let me go?
Spider: (falsetto) Let me go!
All: Bismillah! No, we will not let you go!
Let me go!
Bismillah! We will not let you go!
Let me go!
Bismillah! We will not let you go!
Let me go! Will not let you go!
Let me go! Will not let you go!
Oh let me go-o-o!!
No, no, no, no, no, no, NO!
Colin: Absolutely NOT!
All: Oh mamma mia, mamma mia, mamma mia, Figaro
Spider: (falsetto) Mamma mia!
Vim: Beelzebub has a devil put aside for me...
All: For me, for MEEEEEEEEE!!!!!
Vim: NO!
Vim: So you think you can stop me and spit in my eye?
So you think you can love me and leave me to die?
Ooooh, baby! Can't do this to me baby!
I just gotta get out! I just gotta get right out of here.
(Another poor guitar solo.)
Vim: Nothing really matters, anyone can see,
Colin: Nothing really matters!
All: Nothing ever happens to me!!!
(Song ends.)
Spider: Brilliant!
Vim: Right.
Colin: I thought that was good.
Vim: I thought that was pretty good.
Colin: I thought it was VERY good.
Vim: Blow Queen off the fucking stage.
Colin: Yes, absolutely!
15. Double Entendre
Reporter
1: (sounding suspiciously like Rik Mayall with a dubious French accent) The following is a
recording of Den Dennis, recorded in Paris at a press conference the morning after the
disastrous Paris Hippodrome gig.
Den: Hello. Hel... hello.
Rep 1: Er, what... you have a new album out.
Den: What?
Rep 1: You have album out. You have your album out at the moment.
Den: What?.... What's he talking about?
Rep 1: Your album is out. Erm...
Rep 2: (sounding like Adrian Edmondson with another dubious French accent) Your, er, your
disc...
Rep 1: You've got it out.
(Laughter breaks out.)
Rep 1: Is it, er, is it going to be big now it's out? Or, er, would you think it will just
flop?
(The laughter continues throughout the rest of the sketch.)
Rep 1: How, er...
Rep 2: What he's saying is...
Rep 1: How many cuts are there on the, er, on it? You have cut a lot on it?
Rep 2: Are we going to see both sides once it is out?
Rep 1: And is there a hole in the middle?
(More laughter.)
Rep 1: And, er, when it's in its sleeve...
Den: (quietly) Fuckin' hell!
Rep 1: Let me put it another way... do you, um... are you proud of it? Now it's out? Or do
you... everybody is laughing at it, you know? The papers, they are saying, oh, it's...
Rep 2: It's not big.
Rep 1: It's not what we expected, we wanted more from Bad News, you know, but it's the same old
thing coming out again.
Den: Oh, you can have more! Do you want some more?
Rep 3: (sounding surprisingly like Peter Richardson with a dubious French accent) You are the
sexy one of the band...
Den: Yeah, that's right, yeah.
Rep 3: I understand the women really go for you in a big way.
Den: Do they?
Rep 3: I read this in English papers...
Den: English papers?
Rep 3: ...that you do crazy things on stage.
Den: Oh, yeah.
Rep 1: You are Colin Grigson?
Den: ...No, I'm not Colin Grigson, I'm Den Dennis.
Rep 1: Oh!
Den: Den Dennis!
Rep 3: That's right, Den Dennis is a big cult...
Den: Big cock?
Rep 3: Cult! You are a cult!
Rep 1: Everybody says you are a cult.
Rep 3: They called you a cult...
Rep 1: Now you are here in France we all think you're a cult, but we already know in England
you are a very big cult.
Den: Fuck off!
Rep 3: There are a lot of stupid cults around.
Rep 1: Yes. There are a lot of cults in America, you know. They have religious cults over
there.
Den: Do they?
Rep 1: Yes.
Rep 3: The president is like a cult.
Rep 1: Oh, he's a cult figure. That means he looks like a big cult. Everybody says, "Look at
the big cult! What a cult the president is!"
Rep 2: "Let's vote for him."
Rep 1: "I always vote for my favourite biggest cult."
Den: Do you think that's why Mrs Thatcher is...
Rep 3: In France, if you are a cult, you don't...
Rep 1: If the Conservative party is a cult, then the whole left wing of them, they are wet
cults.
(Laughter.)
Den: What about Culture Club? Sound funny if it was "Cunture Club", wouldn't it?
(Pause.)
Rep 1: .....Yes.
Rep 3: Yes.
Rep 2: It certainly would.
16. Cashing In On Christmas
Cashing on on Christmas
Hear those cash tills ring
Jingle bells make money
Everybody sing
Queuing up at Woolworths to get our christmas hits
We're after peace and love and joy and jingle bells on it
This is our Christmas single, please make it number one
And give us all your money, to make our christmas fun
Cashing on on Christmas
Hear those cash tills ring
Jingle bells make money
Everybody sing
Cos we are rocking
Every christmas we're rocking
Say Santa Claus and we are rocking
Oh jingle bells and we're rocking
Well every Christmas we are rocking
We're rocking all the way to the bank
Cashing on on Christmas
Hear those cash tills ring
Jingle bells make money
Everybody sing
I want to wake up on Christmas morning with the snow all over the ground
There's Bad News's Christmas single in my stocking
It only cost just over a pound
Hello, this is Den Dennis. I hope you're all having a very merry Christmas. This is our Christmas single, please buy it and make it number one. All our Christmas fun
Hello everybody, it's Vim Fuego here. Sorry I can't be with you this Christmas but I'm in the Carribean with all your money, having a good drink and a laugh. Have a lot of fun, merry Christmas
Cashing in on Christmas
Christmas girls and boys
Cashing in on Christmas
Let's make lots of noise
Cos we are rocking
Every christmas we're rocking
Say Santa Claus and we are rocking
Oh jingle bells and we're rocking
Well every Christmas we are rocking
We're rocking all the way to the bank
Cashing in on Christmas
Christmas girls and boys
Cashing in on Christmas
Let's make lots of noise
Hello everyone, this is Colin Grigson. Please give as generously as you can to Bad News this Christmas because, remember, there are people in the world who are much better at spending your money that you are, and that's us. Ha ha ha, merry Christmas.
Cashing in on Christmas
Christmas girls and boys
Cashing in on Christmas
Let's make lots of noise
Hello, I'm Spider Webb.
No credit cards thank you, and no cheques, just cash, thankyou. More and more cash.
17. Dividing Up The Spoils
Spider: Everything's a load of bollocks.
Vim: (sighs) Let me explain the deal to you.
Den: Okay, go on, explain the deal.
Vim: It's twenty grand...
Spider: That's all Den says, "It's a load of bollocks!"
Den: Twenty grand? Twenty GRAND?!
Vim: Twenty grand...
Den: Where's that? Where's the twenty grand?
Spider: Den, why don't you write a song, Den, called "Load of Bollocks"?
Den: Where's the twenty grand?
Vim: Well, what it is, is twenty grand, right, and the record company, EMI...
Den: Yeah...
Vim: ...er, pay for the record.
Den: Every Mistake Imaginable.
Vim: So there's... yeah, you...
Spider: Den, that's a load of bollocks!
Vim: Right, so the money...
Den: EMI! Every Mistake Imaginable!
Vim: ...gets split according to who's important.
Spider: Go on, Den, say it!
Den: What, and the rhythm guitarist isn't important?
Vim: Well, he's not as important as the fucking songwriter, leader of the band, singer, lead
player, lead everything, is he?
Den: That's a load of bollocks!
Colin: Sounds like all of us.
Spider: There, he said it! See? See, you said it, Den.
Den: What?
Spider: "Load of bollocks!"
Vim: You're on forty quid a week!
Colin: I'M not. I'm on £11.25 a week, I thought the whole band were.
Vim: You got a taxi home every night.
Den: Have you? You took a taxi home every night?
Vim: He has!
Colin: No I didn't! I did not!
Vim: You get forty grand, he gets eleven quid and his taxis.
Den: When do I get forty grand?
Vim: Not forty grand, forty quid. A week.
Den: When? Where? When?
Vim: You fuckin' had it! Sharky handed it over to you in your hand!
Den: I never! I never... I never, I never!
Colin: I've only had eleven pounds and twenty-five pence since January.
Vim: That's 'cause you've had so many fuckin' cabs! You think you're a fucking rock star!
Colin: Well, my contract looked very different to yours.
Vim: Of course it fuckin' did, 'cause you're not the fuckin'... creator, are you?
Den: Yeah, 'cause you were sick over yours, weren't you?
Spider: I signed the one...
Colin: No, YOU were sick over mine and you accused me of being sick over it.
Den: Oh, that's it, yeah. Sorry, yeah, I was sick over yours.
Colin: If you hadn't got drunk at the signing it would have been a different story.
Spider: I signed one that said forty-four pounds a week...
Colin: (burps) I'm sorry.
Spider: ...and forty pounds was tax and insurance..
Colin: Yes.
Spider: ...and you got four pounds in your hand, clear. For twelve years. And you couldn't
record with anybody else...
Vim: For five years.
Spider: ...or work for any other company, and I said, I signed it, you know, 'cause everybody
else signed it!
Vim: Well, that's it, I mean, you're signed to Bad News...
Spider: I fucking signed it!
Vim: In five years' time...
Spider: I feel a fucking twat!
Den: You ARE a fucking twat.
Spider: I just borrowed five hundred quid...
Den: Let's face it, look...
Colin: No, but the most important point is...
Den: Come on, we're ALL fucking twats!
Colin: ...is that there is a disparity in wages here.
Vim: Well, it was... I mean, you were there when we fucking signed it, it wasn't my fault you
were pissed, was it?
Den: But you've seen the money? What did it look like?
Vim: You signed it though!
Den: How big was it?
Vim: You signed it that I get the fuckin' advance and you get the mechanical royalty.
Den: So you got twenty grand? You have got twenty grand?
Vim: Well... Sharky picked up fifteen and I picked up the five.
Den: WHAT?
Spider: Eh?
Den: You've got five grand?
Vim: Well...
Den: You have got five grand? Now?
Vim: I haven't got it anymore, I've fucking spent it, haven't I?
Den: You've got fucking five grand?!
Vim: I've...
Den: You've got five grand?
(There is the sound of punches being thrown.)
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