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TUNGSTEN LYRICS
"183.85" (1993)
1. The churner
2. Born XY
3. I feel today
4. Commitment crisis
5. After it's over
6. Indifferent
7. Trying to find my smile
8. Just fades away
9. Theorem to failure/I fall
10. Now that I'm dry
11. Since the break
12. Forged in fire
1. The churner
“I realize now, it wasn’t her fault. It was her fate.”
I’ve been churned
I’ve yearned for the turn to see you burn
I’ve been dry
Been told to cry without a reason why
It fades away
Yes, I still reach for that day
Still no smile
Denied, denied, denied...
Churn
I swear to you
You were the last thing on my mind
I never needed you
You left me blind
But now I see
I feel my life is churned
I wish I could forget
Loved for what I did
Not for who I was...
2. Born XY
The anger I feel for you is the fuel that feeds my will to live
My face is painted with disgust as your memory burns my mind
I don’t want to see life through your eyes
I don’t want you to think like I think
Never to know the thought behind my stare
To get in, you try, it gets you nowhere
You see a loss, but I feel a gain
What you saw as love, I see as pain
You thrive on failures, it brings you joy
As you deny me, you further strengthen me
I wasn’t cursed with chromosomes as you
Just the thought double X, it gets me sick
Anxiety, jealousy, distortion and greed
Your gender shows, it’s how you feed
Thank you for letting me be Born XY!
3. I feel today
My life is blank
The day after you spit the news of change
Yesterday
You were there for me
But its gone now
All day I think
What did I do you
This time?
Look in my eyes
No evidence of you being there
I wake again
Yesterday is done
I feel today
Now that your gone
I feel it’s done
No love
Alone I sit
Stare through the pain
No clue, no hint
I didn’t see it
But boy, I feel it!
I’m trying to cope (I'm trying)
Look in my eyes
No evidence of you being there
I wake again
Yesterday is done, I feel it, and it creeps up again
I feel today
The meaning of this is nothing now
The meaning of this is nothing
The meaning of this is nothing now
The meaning of this...
4. Commitment crisis
You suck the juice out of my life on a daily basis
My tension builds, my heartache fills, for her commitment crisis
A ring and some vows, it brings you smiles
Your shit about “love”, just comes in piles
Commitment Crisis
I kept my job on double shifts, so you’re spending my money?
I broke my back, there’s no one home, are you screwing your honey?
Was the thrill of the other touch, worth this much?
Say goodbye Because it’s done
I don’t need your cunt!!!
5. After it's over
Isolation, I’m trapped up and afraid
Outside world, how can trust be made?
So many sides to see, so many lies
Take down my guard and find I’m knocked down every time
“No risk, No chance”, that I have to take
Can’t sit back and dig a lonely grave
No need for games, I bring you no harm
Spare me your lies
Nothing gained, but all is lost
I can’t get a hold of my life
You control my fate...
I feel I have no meaning
My thoughts are growing cold
Dreams of joy and gladness
Remain as I grow old
6. Indifferent
I’ve laid dormant for some time
And I’m the one who has put me there
Discouraged and angry
And I don’t see a reason to share
This ship has sunk a million times
It will sink a million more
Here’s your invite to help you hate me
Mounds of worthless stinking guilt
Those feelings are pushed away
I only believe in myself
At night I clench my fist
As I breathe these words again
“This war inside of me, is ripping me to shreds”
Depression is tearing me
As self-hatred prevails again
I’ve been dammed for all these years
Clawed and carved solutions die
My self worth? Annihilate!
Indifferent
7. Trying to find my smile
I can’t seem to trigger
The pleasure sensors in my life
The blank expression that’s on my face
Is it too much for you to grasp?
I’ve become immune to your touch
Your dumb affection that can’t be felt
Your open arms and tear filled eyes
Was your ploy to get inside
No answers in your arms
I’m trying to find my smile
Co-dependency in my past
I’m trying to find my smile
No love, no more lies
I’m trying to find my smile
Smashed light, no “hope” tunnel
you break my smile
I changed my life for you
Now I changed my life from you
I changed my life for you
Now I'm changing my life from you!
I search inside myself
I’m trying to find my smile
I’m not them and I'm not you
I’m trying to find my smile
By myself, no need for love
I start to see my smile
As I stand alone
I find my smile.
8. Just fades away
PUSHED: The strength is stripped now
GROUND: There’s dust in my eyes
KICKED: The things that I wished for
It must get better, I can’t see the end from here
SPLIT: It’s open now
OPEN: Exposed to all I feel
NERVES: I feel everything. It’s pulsating
I never want to feel again
SELF ESTEEM: Never ever had it here
GOALS: Out of touch and out of reach
TONGUE: Extends to taste the good life
That never seems to come my way
SELF: Get away from me
BREAK: Go on? What’s the point?
NERVES: I feel everything. It’s pulsating
I never want to feel again
I feel a might unsteady
My nerves have just been shot
The pressure points are felt
The pain is almost numb
Can’t take no more
Won’t take no more
What can I do?
I have no control
You say to have “hope”
You say to have “faith”
“Just wait for tomorrow, it’s another day”
The calendar day changes
day after day
but the day that I seek
It just fades away
9. Theorem to failure/I fall
What makes you tick, is what makes me sick!
Do you beg for detachment?
Do you beg just like me?
Will I ever meet you again?
Will I ever want to?
How can I reduce the risk
of mistakes made twice?
The love that I once cherished
Is now the one I regret
OH NO!!!
I FALL!!!
10. Now that I'm dry
My heart was your nectar, once drained dry
Never again to love this way since you said “goodbye”
I use to think how great it was, to let you share my soul
I really thought my true escape, was the love you always gave me
I’m finding about your past
Now I see who you are
I was blind enough
To trust ever word you said
A sponge, a leech
Words to good for you
As I roll to the end
I’ll stay dry
To trust, to love again. It’s my endless search
Sincere or sorrow? Draw a line between your two
To create a stable basis, again I sit and wish
Difficult to relate to others
Now that I'm dry
What ever became of me?
Why do I look this way?
I don’t like anything I see
I can’t adapt to this
It does me no damn good
Away from you and others
I’ll stay dry
11. Since the break
Gravity extends it’s arthritic fingers
It begins to pull down on my face
What I looked at once as pleasure
Is now a thorn of annoyance
Simple tasks of my past
Are difficult to unfold
It’s been years since your embers were felt
Displacement on earth
Gray matter gone
Dendrites have hardened
Since the break
“During my life-time, it has been a constant search of understanding
the functional aspects of emotion.
After years of experiencing my disgust, rejection, fear, pity, anger
and disappointment in life. I feel now that I'm in too deep. And I refuse
to submit to this...”
This neck has felt the noose
This wrist has seen the blade
But it’s no glory for me
I’ve drug it to the end
I’ve run it to the ground
But now I realize
That I am stronger
12. Forged in fire
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