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O.L.D. LYRICS
"Old Lady Drivers" (1988)
1. Total Hag
2. Corpse Full of Gunk
3. Supermarket Monstrosity
4. Lepers w/o Feet
5. Tracheotomy Peashooter
6. Wisdom Lost
7. Cocaine (Eric Clapton Cover)
8. Die In Your Beauty Sleep
9. Special Olympics
10. I Laugh As I Chew
11. Colostomy Grab-bag
12. Feeding the Worms
13. Old Ladies Always Break Their Hips
14. Bathrooms Rule
15. Screaming Geezer
1. Total Hag
Just because we're old and grey
Doesn't mean we'll go away
Look at the total hag reaming an
even older can of catfood...
Hear the flies buzzing through her
bodily openings, bringing with them
the coolest diseases...
Sometimes these flies get caught in the
cobwebs that are draped across her armpits...
Let's pay a visit to the total hag!
Look and see her age-spots and her
varicose veins...
Just taste the frozen green icicle
hanging off her nostril...
Hear the wheezing cough filling up
the air projecting her diseases...
I've had enough of this...
Fellas let's go torment the total hag!
Hunchback Turkeyneck Prune-tit Sag...
Let's pay A visit To the Total hag...
Garbage can Catfood Newspaper Bag...
Come on Let's go Let's go The total hag...
The total hag smells like mothballs!
I like to scare the prune-tit scag
Drop a match in her shopping bag
Kick her in her Rickets, push her in the road
Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! I laugh at the total hag...
2. Corpse Full of Gunk
Wax the boner
Wax the boner - put it in
Piercing cobwebs - deep within
Stabbing maggots - penis red
Moldy Oldy - in my bed
Lube the lizard - pelvic thrust
Hard to breathe - inhaling dust
Can't hold back - time to spunk
Corpse of granny - full of gunk
3. Supermarket Monstrosity
In the supermarket with my mother at my side
Lurking in the frozen foods was something that made me cry
A disfigured being, limping down the aisle
Reached down, patted my head and greeted me with a smile...
Mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy!
Mommy!
4. Lepers w/o Feet
Lepers without feet
Hopping down the street
Walking on their knees
Doing as they please
Lepers without brains
Diving out of planes
Plunging through the sky
Thinking they could fly
Lepers without hair
Tumbling down the stairs
Turning into dust
Laughing is a must
Lepers without hands
Lying in the sand
Baking in the sun
I want mine well-done
Those zany lepers that have no feet
They fall apart -- in the street
Don't have much skin to call their own
It peels away -- revealing bone
Those crazy lepers, they are so neat
They fell apart in the street
All those lepers, they have no feet
Fall apart!
5. Tracheotomy Peashooter
Chicken bone - in my neck
I can't breathe - what the heck
Butter knife impales my throat
Through the slit - I start to choke
Plastic straw - held with gum
Emergency tracheotomy
Has been done
Waiting for the ambulance
I get bored and start to play
I take the peas from my plate
Load the straw and fire away
Waiting for the ambulance
I get bored and start to play
Emergency tracheotomy
Can be fun - you better run
Waiting for the ambulance
I get bored and start to play
I take the peas from my plate
Load the straw and fire away
Shooting people in their eyes
Is so much fun, the pain subsides
Launching peas from my neck
Blinds the waitress who drops the check
Waiting for the ambulance
I get bored and start to play
Emergency tracheotomy
Can be fun - you better run - you better run
Waiting for the ambulance
I get bored and start to play
I take the peas from my plate
Load the straw and fire away
It's so much fun the pain subsides
Launching peas from neck
Blinds the waitress who drops the check
Chicken bone - in my neck
I can't breathe - what the heck
Butter knife impales my throat
Through the slit - I start to choke
Plastic straw - held with gum
Emergency tracheotomy
Has been fun
6. Wisdom Lost
Where are my dentures...
I can't find my dentures...
Where are my dentures...
I really need my dentures...
Where are my dentures...
What the fuck are dentures?
Where are my dentures..
I can't find my dentures...
[Repeat verse]
I can't remember anything!!!
Oh, when I was but a lad
I was as sharp as a tack
But now I'm old and I can't seem
To remember where I put my
Things... why me?
I mean - I'm supposed to be wise..
I'm old, I'm supposed to be wise
Now, what was I looking for?
Oh yeah! My bowling ball
Well, what do you know
It's right here - you see
I'm not senile
I found my bowling ball
I FOUND MY BOWLING BALL!!
7. Cocaine (Eric Clapton Cover)
If you wanna hang out you’ve got to take her out; cocaine.
If you wanna get down, down on the ground; cocaine.
She don’t lie, she don’t lie, she don’t lie; cocaine.
If you got bad news, you wanna kick them blues; cocaine.
When your day is done and you wanna run; cocaine.
She don’t lie, she don’t lie, she don’t lie; cocaine.
If your thing is gone and you wanna ride on; cocaine.
Don’t forget this fact, you can’t get it back; cocaine.
She don’t lie, she don’t lie, she don’t lie; cocaine.
She don’t lie, she don’t lie, she don’t lie; cocaine.
8. Die In Your Beauty Sleep
Where is grandma? It's time to eat...
Perhaps in the bathroom, trying to excrete...
She's not on the throne, where can she be?
Maybe in the living room, watching TV...
Not in here either, where did she go?
Someone find her soon, the roast is getting cold...
OK - no one panic - we musn't dispair...
I've got a feeling she's somewhere upstairs...
Now I'm getting mad - where's that senile loon?
The only place left, is in the bedroom
Open the door, hear the wretched snore...
AHAAA!!
GRANDMA'S SLEEPING
GRANDMA'S SLEEPING
NO SHE'S NOT
NO SHE'S NOT
SHE'S DYING IN HER BEAUTY SLEEP
SHE'S DYING IN HER BEAUTY SLEEP
ALMOST DEAD...... ALMOST DEAD
Now we have to bury grandma...
Now we have to bury grandma...
Now we have to bury grandma...
9. Special Olympics
The judge blows the whistle, and everyone falls down..
Crutches in the air - braces on the ground...
The crowd begins to laugh, at the helpless tarts...
No pity for the freaks, because they're fun to watch...
There are:
Retarts in potato sacks
One-legged amputees lying on their backs
Stupid fucking mongoloids drowning in the pool
Parapalegics in their chairs - all they do is drool
[Repeat]
NO LIMBS - NO FEET
NO LIPS - CAN'T EAT
CAN'T WALK - CAN'T SEE
NO COCK - CAN'T PEE [x2]
Half of them have died, when the day is over...
No trophies given out, 'cause all of them are LOSERS...
10. I Laugh As I Chew
When we were young - it was only a game
You would win - at everything
Chilhood rivalry - developed and grew
Games became battles - the I would always lose
Now you're a big shot - controlling my life
Causing me nothing - but pain and strife
But I know your weakness - you haven't a friend
Except from your puppy - who soon will be dead
Here is your puppy's head
Your only friend - bloody red
It's all your fault - it is dead
Tides have turned - now you lose
If you want the rest
It's too late - there's nothing left
Mangled poodle - makes good stew
I ruined your life - I laugh as I chew
11. Colostomy Grab-bag
She walks around in her robe
To hide her bag of shit
Colostomy bag, reeks of crud
Embedded in her hip
Screaming at the bitch
She took my parking spot
I caught a whif of colostomy
And took off bown the block
Almost one month later
I saw her in the park
Perfect time for revenge
It was after dark
Hiding in the bushes
As she's walking by
Jumping out on the path
I piss into her eye
Blinded with urea
Stupid smelly bag
I took my hands with all my might
And squeezed her colostomy bag
She spun around about ten times
Until she heaved up brown
Leaving her all embarrassed
In a putrib mound
12. Feeding the Worms
Your body's lowered in the ground
Worms become your carcass bound
Nibbling on your skin and then
Munching on the meat within
Life is over - now you're dead
Worms are crawling through your head
The worms crawl in - the worms crawl out
They consume your body and poop you out
13. Old Ladies Always Break Their Hips
14. Bathrooms Rule
Do ya... wanna do some crack?
Do ya wanna drop a log?
Do ya prefer to pick your nose?
Or would ya rather mouse a hog?
The bathroom is a holy place
I can wack-off without disgrace
What! There's no paper? I don't care
I'll wipe my ass with my underwear
The bathroom is a holy place
I can wack-off without disgrace
There's so many games to play in here
Like "Bombs away in the hollow chair"
It's a place I can think
Projects chunks in the sink
So many things to do in there
You can't see me - so I don't care
BATHROOMS RULE!!!
15. Screaming Geezer
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