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BAD NEWS LYRICS
"Bootleg" (1988)
1. Bad Dreams
2. A.G.M.
3. Double Entendre
4. Locked In
5. AIDS
6. O Levels
7. Wedding
8. H.M. Farmer
9. Masturbike
10. Cashing In On Christmas (Dub)
1. Bad Dreams
Colin: Why don't you, er, just, er... sing the words that you had for that, Dennis? I thought
they were frightfully good.
Den: Okay. (Starts to play guitar.) It's quite difficult to sing and play.
Colin: It's a love song, is it? It's very moving.
(Den continues to play.)
Vim: Are those the words then?
Den: No, I'm just getting into it! I'll have to start again now. (Stops playing.)
Colin: Shhhhh! Quiet!
(Den starts playing again.)
Spider: That's the old number we used to do...
Colin: Quiet! Be QUIET!
Vim: It's very Status Quo, isn't it?
Den: (sings) Bad dreams are keeping me awake at night.
Bad dreams, I think I'm gonna turn on the light.
Bad dreams, wish that they'd go away.
Bad dreams, here comes the beast again!
Colin: That's nice.
Vim: What?
Den: Nightmare, ....ing to me all night long.
Nightmare, duh duh duh duh duh strong.
Colin: Some words there, obviously.
Den: Nightmare, duh duh duh... I'll start again.
Colin: What do you think, Vim?
Den: Bad dreams are keeping me awake at night...
Colin: (joining in) Bad dreams are keeping me... turn on the light.
Den: Bad dreams, how long are they gonna go on?
Colin: I don't know...
Den: Nightmare! Look out, here comes the beast again!
Colin: Oooooooohhh! Ouch, bite, bite!
(Den stops playing.)
Vim: And you all like that song, do you?
Colin: Well, we thought it had...
Den: I'll play it again, shall I?
Vim: No, don't...
Den: (Starts playing) Bad dreams...
Vim: No, Den, don't play it again, or I'll break your guitar.
(Den stops playing.)
Colin: Careful, Alan.
Vim: Alright. I think the only bit that's worth salvaging is the bit where you're not playing
the guitar, and you say "Here comes the beast again."
Den: Oh, right, just (sings) "Bad dreams..."
Vim: No! None of that! All that's rubbish. Just "Here comes the beast again" is actually
quite good.
Den: (sings) Here comes the beast again!
Vim: Yeah.
Colin: Yeah, did you notice there was...
Vim: There was the nub of a song in there.
Den: Nightmare! Here comes the beast again!
Vim: No... yeah, that's quite good. If I sang it, that would be quite good.
Den: And you could have, like, screaming on it.
Vin: (sings) Nightmare! Here comes the beast again!
Den: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH! Like that.
Vim: Have you hurt yourself, Den?
Den: No.
Vim: Oh.
Colin: There was a bit where I did a bit of a scream, a sort of "Uuuuurgh!" thing. Did you
notice that?
Vim: No.
Colin: Well, it was... I thought it was...
Vim: Do you want to give it to me one more time?
Colin: Yes, it comes just after the beast bit, actually...
(Den starts to play again.)
Vim: No! Don't play the fucking music one more time.
Den: (stops playing) I thought you said give it to you one more time?
Vim: No, just his scream.
Den: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!
Vim: No, not your scream! Colin's scream!
Colin: No, my come scream... my scream comes after him.
Vim: Oh, alright.
Den: So we'll do mine first.
Colin: Right. Well, why don't you go from...
Den: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!
Colin: Den, why don't you go from the verse before that?
Den: Oh no, I was doing it so that you could...
Colin: No, no, but go from the verse before that, then I'll know where I am and what feeling I
have.
(Den starts to play.)
Colin: Nightmare, look out, put on the light again, all that... Yeah, la di la... Sing the
words, sing the words!
Den: (stops playing) Nightmare!
Colin: That's it.
Den: Here comes the beast again! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!
Spider: Do you know, I think we might have a... we might get a song together...
Vim: Hang on, hang on...
Den: Oh Spider, that was where his scream was gonna come!
Colin: No, I was actually going to do the scream then, but Spider came in too early.
Vim: Just do it from "Nightmare"...
Den: Nightmare!
Colin: No, well...
Den: Here comes the beast again! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!
Colin: I was wanting to go from the verse before that.
Vim: No, you're supposed to scream then, aren't you?
Den: Oh no!
Colin: Yes, but could we go from the verse before? I have to know what kind of feeling I'm in.
Could we just go from the verse... I'm awfully sorry. It won't take much time.
Vim: Alright.
(Den starts again.)
Colin: Nightmare, I'm going to turn on the light again
Nightmare, I'm going to turn...
Den: (stops playing) Here comes the beast again! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!
Colin: Uuuuuuuuuuuuuurgh! That's the one I was talking about. What do you think?
Vim: What, that's where you're going to do the scream?
Colin: No, that WAS the scream. And I thought it sounded rather frightening.
Vim: Well... just give it to us solo.
Colin: Well...
Vim: On the count of four.
Colin: No, I don't think I...
Vim: One, two, three, four.
Colin: Alan... I don't think I can just go into it like that. I need the verse... could you
start from the verse before the scream again?
(Den starts again.)
Colin: Nightmare, I'm going to turn on the light again.
Nightmare, here comes the nightmare again... Scream!
I'm going to turn on the light again, nightmare...
Den: (stops playing) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!
Colin: And this... there's this...
Spider: (singing quietly) Nightmare... gonna turn on the light again... nightmare, gonna turn it
on again... ye-eah...
Colin: This is awfully funny, but...
Spider: AAAAAARGH!
Colin: Spider, could you... sit up a bit?
Spider: Nightmare, gonna turn it on again... turn on the light again...
Den: Somebody put Spider on his chair.
Colin: Could somebody tap him or something? Er, I'm... Spider, hello!
Spider: Hello!
Colin: Are you alright?
Spider: What?
Colin: Your eyes are sort of... looking in opposite...
(Barely stifled laughter.)
Spider: Nightmare, nightmare... turn the light on again...
Den: Oh no.
Spider: It's good that, innit? I think I'm just getting it. Do you want me to sing this one,
Den?
Den: Okay. (Starts playing.)
Spider: (sings completely out of time) Nightmare, I think I'm going, er, turn, er, turn on the
light again... and I'm gonna, erm, going out, turn on the light again, you know... make
a cup of tea.
Den: (stops playing) Nightmare! Here comes the beast again! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!
Colin: Uuuuuuuuurgh! There! I did it again. What do you think?
Vim: I think it's a bloody horrible smell.
2. A.G.M.
Spider: What was the AGM about then?
Den: It was... the AGM of Bad News was about, what are we gonna call the album? So, I declare
this meeting open, and er... Colin is taking the minutes...
Vim: Can I say a few words first?
Colin: Well...
Den: No. The meeting is now open.
Colin: Yes, we have to start the meeting like we do all the meetings.
Vim: Alright.
Den: I am the chairman.
Colin: Den, as always, is the chairman. I'm taking minutes.
Den: I am the chairman, you are taking minutes. Do we have all the members of Bad News
present?
Colin: I shall ask for a head count.
Spider: Present. Present!
Colin: We have to do this properly like we always do...
Vim: There's four heads.
Colin: I have to do the head count like we always do at the meeting.
Vim: There's ALWAYS four heads.
Colin: Please! Please.
Vim: Alright.
Colin: If we want to decide on a title for the album...
Den: My forehead's above my eyebrows.
Colin: If we're going to decide on a title for the album then we must do it as a band, as a
democracy. I'll do the head count. Den Dennis, are you present?
Den: Yes, I am present.
Colin: Spider Webb, are you present?
Spider: Present, Sir!
Colin: Colin Grigson, are you present? Yes, I am present. Alan?
Vim: Yeah?
Colin: Are you here?
Vim: (laughs) Yeah, course I'm fuckin' here!
Colin: Alright then, well, look at me when I ask you.
Vim: Huh!
Colin: Vim Fuego, are you present?
Vim: Vim Fuego is here. All kneel and praise him.
Colin: All are... please! All are present, Mr Chairman.
Den: I now declare this AGM open, and... who is going to speak first?
Vim: Why do we have AGMs every fuckin' week? It's supposed to be annual, isn't it?
Colin: (sighs)
Den: I thought it was every day.
Colin: Well, it's turning out to be every day, because you've got...
Vim: (breaks wind) Oh, sorry.
Den: Hang on, hang on, it says here in the constitution, no farting at an AGM!
Colin: Open the window! Where's the window?
Den: There isn't a window, we're in a windowless void.
Vim: Oh God! Right, can I say a few words now?
Colin: To propose the motion of the title of the album, I call upon Vim Fuego.
Vim: I'd like to say...
Colin: Mr Fuego, what is your, er, thing?
Vim: I'd like to say that I think we're doing very, very well on this album. I think
everyone's playing has become immeasurably better. I don't think I've ever played with a
better bass player, I think he's really got the... thing, you know...
Den: What?
Vim: I think Spider's drumming is immaculate...
(Murmurs of agreement.)
Vim: ...and even Den is surpassing, you know... even Richie Blackmore's standards... and I
think we should call the album "Vim Fuego".
(Pause.)
Den: Yeah...
Colin: Hmmm. Well, Dennis had a much better idea for the album title, didn't you?
Den: Yeah, what happened to "Satan Ate My Knob"?
Colin: Well, EMI said that we couldn't say it, it was... it was obscene and anti-Christian.
Spider: And also, there was, erm...
Vim: They're bloody picky, aren't they?
Spider: But you've got a problem with the Trade Descriptions Act, you see, 'cause he didn't.
Colin: Yes, there's that as well, yes.
Den: Oh, that's a point, yeah.
Vim: Yeah. They're not to know that, though.
Colin: You could say, er...
Den: "Satan Would Like To Eat My Knob."
Colin: Ah, but even then, you can't prove it.
Vim: Either... someone might see Satan one day and he might have thought that one day he'd
eat our knobs.
Colin: You could say "In my opinion... Satan might..."
Spider: Could be... could be seen to be eating your knob.
Colin: Could be in a mood...
Den: Well, not "seen to be"...
Colin: Could be seen to...
Den: ...'cause, I mean, you know, what if he doesn't? Then no-one's ever seen him do it.
Colin: Mmm, mmm... "In My Imagination I Have Sometimes Thought About Satan Eating My Knob."
Perhaps we could call the album that.
Vim: Why couldn't we have "Satan Ate My Head", and then...
Colin: Because he hasn't! We've been through all this!
Den: Trades description fuck-up.
Colin: I mean, cool out. Cool out.
Den: What about "Paranoid Greatest Hits"?
Vim: (laughs) That's a real one though, isn't it?
Den: No.
Vim: No, it's Sabbath.
Den: No, it's not the Sabs.
Vim: Purps?
Den: It's not the Sabs.
Vim: Well, what are good titles that other bands have had, then?
(Pause.)
Colin: ..."Slippery When Wet"?
Den: Er...
Vim: "Slippery When Wet" is quite good.
Den: (opens door) I'm just going for a piss.
Colin: Not bad.
Vim: That's not bad!
Colin: Not bad.
Den: Right. I now declare this meeting closed.
Colin: Good. Any other business?
Den: Well, if we can't play, 'cause there's no instruments and Brian's away doing an album
with Lulu...
Spider: No, Anita... Anita...
Colin: Anita Harris.
Spider: ...Harris.
Den: Or Anita Harris, well, anyway...
Colin: (belches)
Den: ...if they're away doing an album, why don't we just drink a lot instead?
3. Double Entendre
Reporter
1: (sounding suspiciously like Rik Mayall with a dubious French accent) The following is a
recording of Den Dennis, recorded in Paris at a press conference the morning after the
disastrous Paris Hippodrome gig.
Den: Hello. Hel... hello.
Rep 1: Er, what... you have a new album out.
Den: What?
Rep 1: You have album out. You have your album out at the moment.
Den: What?.... What's he talking about?
Rep 1: Your album is out. Erm...
Rep 2: (sounding like Adrian Edmondson with another dubious French accent) Your, er, your
disc...
Rep 1: You've got it out.
(Laughter breaks out.)
Rep 1: Is it, er, is it going to be big now it's out? Or, er, would you think it will just
flop?
(The laughter continues throughout the rest of the sketch.)
Rep 1: How, er...
Rep 2: What he's saying is...
Rep 1: How many cuts are there on the, er, on it? You have cut a lot on it?
Rep 2: Are we going to see both sides once it is out?
Rep 1: And is there a hole in the middle?
(More laughter.)
Rep 1: And, er, when it's in its sleeve...
Den: (quietly) Fuckin' hell!
Rep 1: Let me put it another way... do you, um... are you proud of it? Now it's out? Or do
you... everybody is laughing at it, you know? The papers, they are saying, oh, it's...
Rep 2: It's not big.
Rep 1: It's not what we expected, we wanted more from Bad News, you know, but it's the same old
thing coming out again.
Den: Oh, you can have more! Do you want some more?
Rep 3: (sounding surprisingly like Peter Richardson with a dubious French accent) You are the
sexy one of the band...
Den: Yeah, that's right, yeah.
Rep 3: I understand the women really go for you in a big way.
Den: Do they?
Rep 3: I read this in English papers...
Den: English papers?
Rep 3: ...that you do crazy things on stage.
Den: Oh, yeah.
Rep 1: You are Colin Grigson?
Den: ...No, I'm not Colin Grigson, I'm Den Dennis.
Rep 1: Oh!
Den: Den Dennis!
Rep 3: That's right, Den Dennis is a big cult...
Den: Big cock?
Rep 3: Cult! You are a cult!
Rep 1: Everybody says you are a cult.
Rep 3: They called you a cult...
Rep 1: Now you are here in France we all think you're a cult, but we already know in England
you are a very big cult.
Den: Fuck off!
Rep 3: There are a lot of stupid cults around.
Rep 1: Yes. There are a lot of cults in America, you know. They have religious cults over
there.
Den: Do they?
Rep 1: Yes.
Rep 3: The president is like a cult.
Rep 1: Oh, he's a cult figure. That means he looks like a big cult. Everybody says, "Look at
the big cult! What a cult the president is!"
Rep 2: "Let's vote for him."
Rep 1: "I always vote for my favourite biggest cult."
Den: Do you think that's why Mrs Thatcher is...
Rep 3: In France, if you are a cult, you don't...
Rep 1: If the Conservative party is a cult, then the whole left wing of them, they are wet
cults.
(Laughter.)
Den: What about Culture Club? Sound funny if it was "Cunture Club", wouldn't it?
(Pause.)
Rep 1: .....Yes.
Rep 3: Yes.
Rep 2: It certainly would.
4. Locked In
Vim: Hello? Hello?
Den: Hello, Vim, look, get us some fucking lager, will you?
Vim: How long have you been in there?
Colin: Hello, you're through to Colin.
Den: Seven hours!
Vim: Good morning...
Colin: You're through to Colin.
Vim: How are you?
Den: We're... we're thirsty!
Vim: Have you been in there all night?
Den: That's right, yeah. I've been locked in here with Colin all night...
Vim: Well...
Den: ...and we've run out of lager...
Colin: I...
Vim: Hang on, I'll try and find the key. I'll try and find the key, okay?
Den: ...and what we need to do...
Colin: Vim! Vim, can I speak to you?
Den: ...is do something to shut Colin up!
Colin: Vim, can I speak to you?
Vim: Colin, over, Vim here.
Colin: I'm not speaking to you.
Den: You just did.
Colin: I was just telling him so.
Vim: Er, we can't find the key. Have you got the key in there?
Colin: No...
Den: Can't you just break the glass?
Colin: Tell him that he has the key and he very well knows it.
Den: Just break the glass!
Vim: We're trying to find the key, okay? Don't panic. How long have you been in there?
Den: Seven hours.
Vim: Right. Fuck me!
Den: Well, it's all very well to say that, but we're sort of stuck in here. We can't.
Colin: How long have you actually known that we've been locked in here?
Vim: Well, I've only just got back. I went home, I've had a kip.
Colin: But you must have known at lunchtime that we couldn't get out of here?
Vim: I, I didn't... it might be a practical joke, I think. I think Brian might have locked
you in there.
Den: Was it Spider?
Vim: Brian's not here. Maybe Brian's got the key.
Colin: Do you think Brian's got the key?
Vim: I said, I think Brian's got the key.
Den: I say, I've just thought, maybe Brian's got the key!
Vim: I think Brian's got the key. Yeah, I think Brian might have the key.
Colin: That's a point, if Brian's got the key then he's the man to speak to. Do you think
Brian's got the key?
Vim: Er, yeah, I think he has, but Brian's not here.
Den: Where is he?
Colin: Is this Brian you're talking about?
Vim: Yeah.
Colin: I think Brian might have the key!
Vim: Yeah.
Colin: Perhaps you should get in touch with him.
Vim: Look, we'll go out, 'cause it's getting up to, sort of, elevenses, we're gonna go out
for something to eat...
Colin: Yeah...
Vim: If Brian gets back, gesticulate through the glass, as if to say, "Have you got the key?"
Den: I'll fucking masturbate through the glass!
Vim: ...He might let you out.
Den: Look, just get us out of here, right? I want a drink!
Spider: No, we wanna see you get your cock out and go over the glass there! Go on!
Colin: Vim? Vim! Hello, Vim! You're through to Colin. Hello, Vim?
Spider: Hello, check!
Vim: I'm here!
Colin: Spider?
Spider: Yeah, check, hello.
Vim: No, Vim here.
Colin: Vim. Hello, you're through to Colin. Erm... what happens if Roger gets back... er, not
Roger, what's his name? It's a name like that... Brian. What happens if Brian gets back
and you're out, he doesn't understand the gesticulations and, er, we have to wait
another hour? Over.
Vim: Errrr...
Spider: You're... (laughs) You're fucked, over!
Den: I tell you what...
Vim: You're fucked!
Den: I tell you what, Vim... Vim?
Vim: Yeah?
Den: Listen, if you go out now for elevenses, and you come back and Colin's brain is all sort
of smeared all over the glass... er, that'd be alright, wouldn't it?
Vim: Yeah. If you do that, can you make sure you do it near a microphone, and then we could
sample it.
Den: Okay, because I've been stuck in here for about seven hours with him now, and he hasn't
stopped talking...
Vim: Yeah, we sympathise.
Den: ...and I just feel that I might just have to, you know what I mean?
Colin: Hello, Alan? I feel that I haven't said anything for a while. Does Spider know that I
realise he's got the key in his pocket, and his drums are in here and I could get
really... ruddy frightful with a Stanley knife. Does he know that?
Vim: Er, do you know that, Spider?
Spider: Yeah, over!
Den: Have you got the key, Spider?
Colin: Alan, one of your guitars is in here and I'm not afraid to use my heel!
Vim: Right, we're off for a while...
Spider: Okay, we're off now!
Den: Oh, thanks, guys.
Spider: Bye!
Vim: There's no-one in the studio.
Den: What a couple of cunts, eh?
Colin: Before you go... Alan? Alan?
Vim: Hello, boys! Boys!
Spider: We're back! Hello!
Vim: I've just been down to reception...
Colin: Yes, thank you.
Vim: The news is, Brian hasn't arrived. Okay, we'll see you later, bye.
Colin: Alan, you're through to Colin. Hello Alan.... Alan? Please! ALAN! ALAAAAAN!!!
ALAAAAAAN!!! (sighs)
Den: Vim! Vim!
Colin: He's gone.
Den: Spider!
Colin: He's gone too. What time do you make it?
Den: What a couple of complete and utter bastards.
Colin: Yes, that's fairly obvious...
Den: Fucking cunts.
Colin: Yes, it doesn't help using...
Den: Fucking shit-faced fucking moron bastard cunts! I'll fucking kill him! Fucking shitbag.
Fucking cunt.
Colin: (sighs) What, apart from swearing, are we going to do?
Den: I don't fucking know.
5. AIDS
Spider: Ready? One, two.
Vim: Where does the... where does the acoustic fit in?
(Spider sings to acoustic guitar accompaniment.)
Spider: Bad news, bad news, la la la,
I've got bad news for you,
You've got AIDS.
Ha, ha.
6. O Levels
Colin: That is because you are a shit, Vim Fuego.
Vim: I'm not a fuckin' shit.
Colin: Yes you are, you're shit.
Vim: Don't fuckin'...
Colin: Everything you've ever done has been stupid and shitty. It's true. Isn't it?
Spider: Oh, don't start all this again.
Colin: We're not starting anything again, Spider Webb, whatever kind of name that is! What have
you got to say for yourself?
Spider: Oh God, I can't take this! This is ridiculous!
Colin: What is ridiculous?
Spider: Every fucking hour of the day, all we do is...
Vim: Every fucking hour it's fucking you, talking...
Colin: Who?
Vim: You!
Colin: Yes! And why am I doing the talking?
Vim: WHO FUCKING KNOWS?
Colin: Why am I doing the talking? Because I'm the only person who knows how to string more
than two or three... er... what are they... words together. That's why. Because you're
an ignorant person. That's why.
Den: That's right, it's good that he's an ignorant person.
Colin: Absolutely, it is, it's good.
Vim: I'm not a fucking ignorant person.
Den: Oh. Yeah... no... well, I am.
Colin: You've got to be stupid to play heavy metal.
Den: You've got to be stupid and ignorant...
Vim: You don't have...
Spider: It helps.
Colin: Well, that just shows your...
Den: ...and heavy.
Colin: It just shows your attitude, doesn't it?
Den: Yeah!
Colin: Your attitude is one of, "Oh, let's all be as stupid as we can, because we're all dull."
Vim: God, I fucking hate you.
Colin: (laughs)
Vim: You never fuckin' stop, do you?
Colin: It doesn't compare to the amount I hate you.
Vim: Just fuckin' stupid mindless fuckin' words...
Colin: Well, what...?
Vim: ...coming out of your fuckin' arse all day long.
Colin: Well, at least I...
Vim: You think you're so fucking clever!
Colin: I AM fucking clever!
Vim: You're NOT fucking clever!
Colin: How may 'O' levels have YOU got?
Vim: I don't fucking have any 'O' levels. I don't fucking need any.
Colin: Exactly. Exactly. No 'O' levels.
Vim: In fact, I wouldn't want any fucking 'O' levels if I had to turn out like YOU fucking
have.
Colin: No 'O' levels, no 'O' levels... What?
Vim: You fucking heard.
Spider: I'm getting out of the band. If this is going on I'm leaving the band.
Den: Have you got to have 'O' levels to get into the band?
Colin: You ought to have.
Den: Why?
Colin: Well, because the level of stupidity is so appallingly low!
Spider: If you two don't stop this I'm leaving right now.
Den: Have you got 'O' level bass playing then, Colin, have you?
Spider: Den, shut up.
Vim: (shouting) How many fucking 'O' levels did Hendrix have, then?
Colin: Good lord knows. Probably none at all.
Vim: None!
Colin: 'Cause he was so incoherent and died at an early age. Certainly didn't get first aid 'O'
level, did he? DID HE?
Vim: What the fuck do you want?
Colin: I want intelligence...
Spider: I just wanna get laid!
Colin: ...reasonable friendship, and a nice, quiet, interesting, artistic band.
Vim: Why didn't you go to fuckin' art college, then?
Colin: I did!
Vim: Well, why didn't you fucking STAY THERE?
Colin: Because I graduated with a grade 2-1 degree.
Vim: Oh, you're so fucking clever, aren't you?
Colin: Well, if you'd try to speak a little...
Vim: You're so fucking clever.
Colin: Yes, I ruddy fucking am. I am very clever, and you are very stupid. You small minded,
ignorant, working class oaf! I am cleverer than you, and that's why I'm the bass player
in this pop group.
Spider: 'Cause you're a snotty, snobby little fucking public school, upper... toffee nosed
little runt.
Colin: You can say what you like, you communist, but at least I've got some 'O' levels. What do
you have to say to that, Mr CSE Champion? Did you get your woodwork? I hope not,
although you probably did, and what did you make with it? A hammer and sickle?
Den: Do you find, when you masturbate, that the handkerchief goes all crisp?
7. Wedding
(Much drunken laughter and background chatter throughout entire sketch.)
Vim: Rubbing on the knob, hour after hour. Running, running through the night, jab, jab, jab.
Soggy, soggy, soggy, gash, gash, bruise, hurt, maim, kill, hurt, sperm, spunk. Running
through the streets, your penis dribbling spunk. Saying, I've got to find another girl,
I've got to find another one. ALL THESE FUCKERS ARE ALIVE! Shit, blood and... shit
pouring off the end of your knob. Shit and blood and spunk and sweat.
(Laughter.)
Vim: Now, my duties as Best Man include other things than reciting my favourite poetry.
Colin: No, no, don't all go! No, the party's not over! Why are you crying?
Vim: We've got another bottle of cider!
(More laugher.)
Vim: It's been an absolutely fucking wonderful party! Buffet, so called! A sausage on a stick
more like! Fucking mingy cunts! All your fucking relatives, I fucking hate you all! The
fucking groom, he's a cunt!
Spider: Get this! Have a look at this one!
Vim: Having a wank in front of you all! I don't care, I'm pissed! I'VE TAKEN DRUGS!
Colin: No, I thought it was a tremendous speech, really. I know some of the old fuddy-duddies...
Spider: Well, thank you! We're very happy to meet Jim's family, and it was a wonderful, very
interesting speech...
Vim: I'd like to thank the...
Colin: Unusual.
Spider: ...and I know my daughter's married into the most wonderful family...
(Further laughter and garbled, drunken speech. Spider makes shooting noise.)
Vim: No, what happens is, after...
Spider: And the bridegroom! (Shooting noise) And his fucking mother! (Shooting noise again) And
finally... (Noise again)
Vim: Then the groom's father stands up and says... Well, thank you for that very funny
speech. We all enjoyed it thoroughly.
Colin: I think it's time to call the wedding off, and to call the police. Get your coats and
leave quietly...
Spider: And at the hotel... It's not all your fault, Helen, honestly! It's our new life
together. It happened between your family and mine, let's just forget it. Why do you
have to bring this up every time, the massacre? It was our wedding and they've ruined it
for us, let's forget it.
Colin: It was your best man that killed my parents.
Vim: Oh, petty, petty, petty!
Colin: Well, it bloody well was!
(More laughter and garbled speech.)
Spider: Don't change the subject! Ever since the massacre, you never take me out anymore!
Vim: You don't desire me...
Colin: I haven't been able to have a proper orgasm since the massacre.
8. H.M. Farmer
(Introduction plays, with sound effects, similar to the intro to "Excalibur".)
Vim: And that's the intro, right?
Colin: Right, we're with you there.
Vim: Right. Then we go into... one, two, three, four!
(Band begins to play completely different tune.)
Colin: (sings) I'm a heavy metal farmer,
I've got lots of heavy metal animals.
When I go down to the farmyard,
What do I see first?
Heavy metal pig goes "Oink, oink",
Heavy metal horse goes "Neigh",
Heavy metal cow gives me heavy metal milk,
I see heavy metal animals all the day!
Heavy, heavy oink, heavy, heavy moo,
Heavy, heavy cluck and quack.
Heavy, heavy miaow, heavy, heavy woof,
But most of all, heavy.... AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!
(Song ends.)
Colin: That's the single!
9. Masturbike
Fires of hell, doomsday bell,
Prison cell, bloody hell!
On my Masturbike!
See the cat, on the mat, it has shat, stupid twat
Look out we're going to hell!
Eat my brain, go insane, eat my brain, go insane
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!
Ride the rat, nightmare man
Ride the rat, nightmare man
On my Masturbike
Lick my hump, Kiss my stump
Burst my lump, Bloody pump
Look out we're going to hell!
Eat my brain, eat my brain, eat my brain, eat my brain
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!
Hello Bill! Chernobyl!
I feel Ill! Hospitil!
On my Masturbike!
10. Cashing In On Christmas (Dub)
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